Jay to the World: February 2018

“Confidence is high, I repeat confidence is high”. Remember that doozy of a line from one of my all-time favorite movies War Games?? Well believe it or not, that scenario played itself out for several minutes last month, as everyone on the islands of Hawaii were told to take cover for what was believed to be an incoming ballistic missile fired from North Korea. I know that I always kid about living so close to Offutt Air Force Base, but that was the first time in my life where I could actually envision an accidental nuclear war caused by human error. Let’s face it, we’re dealing with some button-happy people in this world right now and what if the president was just coming off a double-bogey and was told that Hawaii was being attacked. Anyone comfortable with that scenario?? Mr. Trump and Mr. Un, I think it’s time for a nice game of chess.

One of my favorite aspects of writing this newsletter is that I always tend to learn something new every month. For instance, I had no idea that up until January 1st, 2018, there was a law in the state of Oregon that required all gas stations to staff attendants to pump your gas for you. Yes, there are thousands of people in Oregon who, until now, have never enjoyed the act of sniffing their fingers after fueling up (come on, we all do it). I guess my only worry is that in the last two years Oregon has combined legalized marijuana with people pumping a flammable liquid into their cars for the first time. I don’t see this ending well.

Ever since President Trump’s personal physician held a news conference to tell us WAY more than I ever wanted to know about a 71-year old man, I thought it would be appropriate for me to do the same. Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity to tell you that my personal physician has proclaimed me to be the most physically fit bank president he’s ever seen. Granted, his only point of reference was my overweight, 2 pack-a-day, wouldn’t-know-a-treadmill-if-it-landed-on-him father, but I’m still counting this as a win in my book.

I read an article recently that said if your child is lying to you, that’s a good sign because it means they are smarter and better adjusted than kids who tell the truth all the time. In a related story, my daughter is apparently a genius.
I see President Trump recently took credit for the fact that there were no commercial plane fatalities in 2017, which is basically the equivalent of me taking credit for the fact that there were no Zombie attacks in Malvern last year. For the record, there were no zombie attacks in Malvern last year. Yes!!

Did you see that Chinese scientists have successfully cloned two monkeys?? I’m going to go on record as saying that I am firmly against this type of scientific exploration, but if it will bring back Davy Jones so I can hear him sing “Daydream Believer” just one more time, then count me in! Oops…never mind. Wrong kind of monkeys.

And finally, my parental lesson of the month: When my son gets in the car after school and announces that he’s got a special surprise he’s been saving all day, I have approximately 7 seconds to get the heck out of the vehicle.

Until Next Time…
Jay