Jay to the World September 2020

Before we get started, it has come to my attention that some of you did not receive your monthly JTTW in August, so if that is the case, give us a call and we’ll send you a copy. Or, just go to www.malvern.bank and click on the Jay to the World tab on the top. Granted, this is all predicated on that fact that you are receiving this month’s newsletter, because otherwise how would you know that you didn’t get last month’s newsletter?? Maybe you were just thinking that I took the month off to recharge my batteries. Or maybe I decided to go climb Mount Kilimanjaro, only to get there and realize that I’ve never been hiking and it looked taller than I had imagined. No, you can rest easy faithful JTTW readers…I will continue to pump these things out until you let me know that it’s probably time to call it quits. Trust me, I won’t be offended. I get worse emails every week. 

So Husker fans…how are we feeling about a fall without Husker football?? I just read today that the Big Ten is talking about a shortened season that starts at Thanksgiving and ends sometime in early February, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what that solves. Isn’t that flu season?? Listen, I take COVID as seriously as anyone, but are the risks of COVID any worse than the toll that football takes on the brains of these players?? Yes, I know there are still lots of questions about the long-term effects of COVID, but I guarantee that every college player would sign a consent form that absolves the universities and colleges from any liability in the event that a player gets seriously ill or dies from the virus. And what about the recruiting advantages that the schools playing will have over the schools who are sitting at home on their couches?? Can you imagine the ribbing Cyclone fans will be giving Hawkeye and Husker fans if the Big Ten doesn’t play?? Hey, we’re 5-0…how are you guys doing?? That doesn’t sound enjoyable to me…

Due to COVID-19, KFC has temporarily suspended it’s famous “Finger Lickin’ Good” slogan to discourage people from licking their fingers (maybe Kleenex needs to come up with a “Pick Us, Not Your Nose” ad campaign). Anyway, as you all know I never pass up the opportunity to flex my marketing chops, so here are a few other slogan possibilities that KFC might want to consider until it is safe for us all to start licking ourselves again. Here you go:

‘Buy 10 buckets and we’ll cater your funeral’
‘Our buckets also make great face shields’
‘Just try to stay 6-feet away from our biscuits’
‘Who needs cows to sell their chicken…we have POTUS!!’

This Month in Tattoos, Part One: I read that a 103-year-old woman in Michigan recently celebrated her 103rd birthday by getting her first tattoo. The woman’s family was extremely supportive once they realized that the standard “It may look cool now but what’s it going to look like in 50 years” argument probably wasn’t going to be relevant in this particular situation.

This Month in Tattoos, Part Two: Warren Buffett recently revealed that back in 2009 he loaned Harley Davidson $300 million because he likes working with companies whose customers will tattoo your name on their chest. With that being said, let me be the first to announce Malvern Bank’s new “Cash for Tats” program. It’s pretty much like it sounds…you tattoo the MB logo somewhere on your body and I’ll give you $100. Throw in a likeness of me and I’ll make it $200. Throw in a likeness of me with hair and I’ll make it $300.

This Month in Stereotypes, Part 1: I see that marijuana dispensaries in Colorado are installing vending machines in their stores so customers will no longer have to wait in line to purchase their stash. Because let’s face it…the one thing that potheads are known for is not having enough free time on their hands…

This Month in Stereotypes, Part 2: A woman recently sued a New Jersey country club after a waiter spilled red wine on her $30,000 handbag. “We feel really bad about the handbag, but were you able to save any of the wine??” said every woman I’ve met over the past 20 years….and my friend Steve.

In a recent survey, respondents were asked what they would be willing to give up if they would never have to pay taxes again. Here is a breakdown of the answers:

43% - Watching Sports
37% - Drinking Alcohol
12% - Television
6% - Cell Phones
5% - Your Best Friend
.0000001% - Eric

It’s taken me quite some time, but I think I’ve finally pinpointed the difference between being 15 and being 55. When I was 15 and a fly would land on my face, I’d purposely try to make it stay on my face because it tickled. Now when a fly lands on my face, you’d think I’d been attacked by murder hornets. Seriously, a few weeks ago I walked around my house for 10 minutes with a fly swatter looking for a huge fly only to realize that the windows were open and it was a guy two blocks away with a weedwhacker.

Gentleman, don’t forget that September 20th is national “Wife Appreciation Day”. No, that doesn’t mean she goes up in value - it means that you need to thank her for putting up with your nonsense for all of these years. As always, you’re welcome.

A 95-year-old man nicknamed “Bicycle Bob” was recently treated to a celebration after he logged his 100,000th mile of cycling. The celebration included pizza, cake, and lots of presents, with the largest present, coincidentally, coming from his personal doctor, “Proctologist Pete”.

And finally, Yellowstone National Park is warning visitors about the dangers of elk mating season, when bull elk announce their availability to females and challenge competing males. For those of you who have never been to Yellowstone to witness the phenomenon, called elk rut, just think of it as Greek Week with antlers.

Until Next Time…Don’t forget that we are drive-thru only on Saturdays now…and don’t give money or personal information to anybody for any reason. You wouldn’t believe some of the scams that are going on right now. Remember…nobody is going to just give you money for no reason. If you have to give money to get money, then it’s a scam. Be safe everyone!!

Jay