Jay to the World September 2019

Well, it’s September and I think we all know what that means…it’s football season!! Yes, that 7-month void between the Super Bowl and the beginning of college football is finally over and we can finally focus on the one sport that conjures up more emotions, more smack-talking, and more gut-punches to the mid-section than any other sport that we follow. It’s been quite some time since all 3 of our favorite college teams simultaneously had so much talent and so much promise to start the year, therefore I’ve decided to dig out the old crystal ball that I used back in the 1990’s (a period of time where most of us Husker fans reside) to ponder the fates of the 3 teams that 99% of JTTW readers care about: Nebraska, Iowa, and Iowa State. Remember, these are just predictions…but since sports gambling is now legal in Iowa (Nebraskans, I feel for you…but I guess we’ll just keep taking your money) head on over to Council Bluffs and throw down some cash because I’ve been doing my homework. Here you go:

Iowa State: I’m predicting a 9-3 regular season and a trip to a New Year’s Day bowl game. The ‘Clones have a rock star coach, a stud sophomore QB, and one of the best home-field advantages in the Big 12. Throw in the fact that Big 12 teams play defense much like my flag football team did in college and I see big things for the Cyclones this year.

Iowa: I also see a 9-3 regular season for the Hawkeyes, as senior QB’s are worth their weight in gold and Iowa has a good one in Nate Stanley. Iowa is one of the most stable and physical programs in the Big 10 when it comes to scheme and coaching and that is huge to potential recruits, so don’t expect many dips in that rock-solid program.

Nebraska: Speaking of dips (I’m not talking about trends, I’m talking about people), I think this is the year that the Huskers FINALLY put the Steve Pederson/Bill Callahan/Mike Riley debacles to rest once and for all. Much like Iowa State, Nebraska also has a rock-star coach and a stud sophomore QB, so I think I’m going to go out on a limb and predict an 8-4 overall record and a 3rd place finish in the stacked Big Ten West. BUT, and this is a big but, if they happen to sweep Ohio State, Northwestern, Wisconsin and Iowa at home (hey, there is a dating app for Donald Trump supporters called “Donald Daters” that promises to ‘Make America Date Again’ – I don’t think anything is too far fetched at this point) then hold on tight Husker fans. It could be a special season. (Editors Note: I wrote this two weeks ago – after watching them this past weekend I might be a bit too optimistic…but it’s a long season.)

This one’s for you, Led Zeppelin: Did you hear that the Pope recently had to be rescued by firefighters after The Vatican elevator got stuck?? I had no idea that The Vatican even had an elevator…I just assumed the Pope always used “The Stairway to Heaven”.

So we’ve all seen those signs on the back of vehicles that say “How’s My Driving?” followed by a phone number, right?? Has anyone ever wanted to put one of those signs on the back of their car, include your best friend’s phone number, and then start driving like a complete idiot?? Just me??

The other night on ESPN I watched the 2019 American Cornhole championship. For those of you not familiar with the game of Cornhole, it is truly the only professional sport that allows players to compete at the highest level while never having to put down their beer.

A joke I heard recently: “What’s the toughest part of raising sheep?? Staying awake during inventory”. Trust me, it’s funnier in person.

Five guys were recently arrested for getting into a fistfight at a ‘Five Guys’ restaurant. The fight was supposed to take place at a nearby 7-Eleven until they realized that the sides wouldn’t be even.

September 13th is National ‘Blame Someone Else Day’. Or as President Trump calls it…Friday.

A teacher from Nebraska recently dug up a 2-carat diamond at a state park in Arkansas. So let me get out my trusty calculator here…if the rule of thumb when purchasing a wedding ring is 2 month’s salary and a teacher makes…Ok,    I’m really not calculating anything, I just thought this story was a really good segue into talking about the ridiculous inequity in teacher pay in this country, given the fact that they are not only educating our children but in many instances parenting them also. So teachers, if you’re reading this, first off “thank you”. Secondly, go get yourself a metal detector and a shovel and get your hiney down to Arkansas!!

Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer has been chosen to participate in this season’s ‘Dancing with the Stars’. Something tells me he’s going to be really good at “The Twist”.

There is an auction in Red Oak on September 14th where 90 muscle cars from the 1960’s, 1970’s, and 1980’s will be sold. The owner, a gentleman named Coyote Johnson (yes, there are some Road Runners included in the sale) claims that he purchased these cars because “if you had a hot car, you got the girls”. Now listen, I drove my parent’s 4-door 1977 Chevrolet Caprice all through high school and college and I can say without any hesitation whatsoever that…yeah, Coyote pretty much nailed it on the head….

A funeral home limo driver in Nevada, after being ticketed for driving solo in a carpool lane, argued with police that he shouldn’t get a ticket because the body in the back of the hearse should be counted as a passenger. This is the best excuse to get out of a ticket since that famous scene in ‘Tommy Boy’ where Chris Farley and David Spade, after being pulled over, jumped out of their car screaming “Bees, Bees Everywhere!” And then of course Chris Farley’s famous “Holy Schnikes, it worked” line…that movie still makes me smile.

A recent report found that the average Omaha commuter loses 38 hours and $700 per year stuck in rush hour traffic. Can you imagine that?? 38 hours just wasted away…as you sit alone by yourself, your mind wandering to that period of your life when you didn’t have a care in the world, when you couldn’t wait to get to the record store for the new Van Halen album, when there were no fighting kids, no ringing cell phones...where was I even going with this??

And finally, spectators at the Nebraska State Fair recently had the opportunity to witness a performance by Twiggy the Water Skiing Squirrel. The crowd cheered when, during the grand finale, Twiggy zoomed by with only one paw on the rope. The other paw was keeping it’s nuts dry.

Until Next Time…
Jay