Jay to the World October 2020

No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you…I decided to crank up the old font-meter from 12-14 this month! I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of squinting and most of the time I can’t find my reading glasses, so I’m just going to keep making the letters larger until this thing basically ends up looking like the top line of an eye exam chart, with just enough space for one joke and a cookie recipe. So anyway, I hope you find this month’s edition a little easier on the eyes as we continue to meander towards the end of 2020, which I think we can all agree can’t get here soon enough.

In preparation for their 1st ‘debate’ (not sure if I was watching a debate or a Malvern Bank board meeting when my dad was still alive) President Trump challenged Joe Biden to a drug test. Boy, I hope none of you ever request that I take a drug test. Granted, I’m not hiding anything, but as a man with a prostate that feels like the size of a watermelon, you could mow your lawn in the amount of time it would take me just to produce the sample.

A production company is looking for someone to star in an upcoming reality show called Space Hero, where one lucky person will be sent into space to spend 10 days on the International Space Station. Said the First Lady: “Honey, this has you written all over it. You created the Space Force!! You are the king of reality TV!! You are a hero to everyone!! You can do this!! And feel free to stay up there a few extra months if necessary…Love you!”

A 96-year-old Pennsylvania woman recently became the first person at her bowling alley to roll a perfect game. After hearing the news, President Trump immediately ordered the woman to take a drug test.

In October, Nebraska Furniture Mart CEO Irv Blumkin will join his father and grandmother as members of the American Home Furnishings Hall of Fame. Ironically, tickets to the induction ceremony will be limited due to a lack of seating.

A recent article in the NY Times says that President Trump has deducted $70,000 in expenses related to his hair. As a man who over the past 30 years has purchased just about every product ever invented that claims to grow hair, I just have one thing to say: Do I need the receipts???

Last month in Holdrege, NE a male stud horse kicked in a window of a local bar and grill. I have to assume that he just wanted to order the filly and fries….

By the way, a quick follow up to last month’s JTTW: After introducing our “Cash for Tats” promotion, I actually received two emails from customers asking if we were also reimbursing people for the cost of the tattoo. Now granted, as with most of the incredibly stupid ideas that I come up with, I really didn’t think anyone would be crazy enough to actually do it. So, to the two faithful JTTW readers out there who reached out, yes, we would reimburse the cost of the tattoo. And yes, it has to be visible when you’re wearing a swimsuit…Larry.

Despite advice from the family’s veterinarian that the dog should have been euthanized, a Swedish family recently reported that their pet Corgi, named Nekku, has survived over 8 years after being born with only 1 eye and 2 noses. In a related story, nobody has seen the family’s cat in over 7 years.

So just in the past month I have seen one headline that read “Transportation officials in the UK have warned commuters not to use live snakes as face coverings” and another headline that read “New York Transit officials remind commuters that it is illegal to go number 2 on the subway”. So I guess I should probably take the time to inform all of you, my dedicated readers, that under no circumstances should you NOT VOTE THIS YEAR!! Did you see what I did there?? You thought I was going to point out some tidbit that plays into the whole “isn’t that just common sense??” theme, but instead I threw in a public service announcement about exercising your right to vote. As always, you’re welcome.

A Minnesota woman was recently dubbed the world’s fastest backward speller after she correctly spelled 56 words backward in 1 minute. Big deal, I can do the same thing…here’s an example of words I just spelled backward in only 15 seconds…racecar, civic, kayak, level, madam, mom, noon, deed, rotator…. piece of cake.

And finally, 5 parrots have been removed from public view at a British wildlife park after the birds started swearing at customers. In a related story, THIS month's presidential debates will now be moderated by 5 parrots.

Until Next Time…Vote, get your flu shot, wear your mask, and get ready for October 24th…Huskers over the Buckeyes. You heard it here first.

Jay