Jay to the World November 2019

Before we dig too far into the headlines and events over the past month, I want to give a huge shout out to our local sports teams that are still alive in the Iowa High School Playoffs. East Mills football, Glenwood football, and F-M football all play their first-round games tonight (if you’re reading this electronically) and since East Mills Volleyball won on Halloween night, they will play Sidney next week with a trip to Cedar Rapids on the line. So to the coaches and players who have spent countless hours to get to this moment, congratulations!!

On a side note, I also love this time of year because I get to see some of the ridiculous names that consolidated school districts have come up with. For instance, there is a school called OABCIG. It’s bad enough that most people outside of Mills County have no clue where East Mills is, but can you imagine if we were called EMHH or something similar?? That’s crazy. If I were the people at OABCIG I would have at least descrambled the letters to make it sound more like a word. Go COBIAG!! Go GOBIAC!! Ok maybe not. So anyway, I have no idea where OABCIG is located, but I’m really hoping that their mascot is a mouse. Can you imagine everyone chanting OAB…CIG…MOUSE??

A South Carolina woman, after being arrested for driving under the influence, was recently given probation after complaining that she was “too pretty for jail”. When informed of this defense strategy, Lori Laughlin immediately renewed her monthly botox prescription.

After initially telling police that a mugger had shot off his pinkie toe, an Omaha man finally admitted that he accidentally shot it off himself. The worst part is that he is now “Lacks Toes Intolerant”. (Sorry, I heard that one years ago…this might be my only chance to use it).

My wife called me crying last week because she had driven her car over a railroad tie, causing the back bumper to, in her words, fall off. Now granted, it didn’t fall off, and everything pretty much just popped right back into place after about 2 minutes of pounding on it. But don’t think for a minute that I’m not going to milk this event for at least two months, knowing full well that I just bought myself a free pass for the next time that I screw up. I know, I’m not proud of it either, but we guys need all the help we can get.

Her little accident did, however, make me flashback to when I was about 10 and my dad backed out of the garage and ran into his other car that was parked in the driveway. Everyone reading this will probably agree that there are certain watershed moments in your life when your relationship with your parents takes a turn, and that was definitely one of those moments. I saw a side of my dad that day that was scary, comical, and borderline psychotic. But the upside to that day was I pretty much learned every swear word that I would need for the rest of my life. Thanks big guy.

I recently read that researchers have grown meat in a laboratory using cells from cows and rabbits. Ok Burger King, here’s your free slogan of the month: Home of the Hopper. You’re welcome.

A company in Brooklyn, NY recently purchased a pair of Nike sneakers, added holy water from the River Jordan into the soles, and then sold them as “Jesus Shoes” for $1,425. In a related story, I have a pair of holey shoes I’ll sell you for $20.

I know we have lots of Creighton basketball fans out there in JTTW land, and I wanted you to know that I have access to 3 (and sometimes 5, depending on the game) lower-bowl tickets (15 rows up from the visitor’s bench) for all home games. These tickets are free to any Malvern Bank customer and are on a first-come, first-serve basis, so check out the Jays’ schedule at www.gocreighton.com. If you’re interested in a particular game, email me at jburdic@malvern.bank. Go Jays!

A woman from the United Arab Emeritus has filed for divorce after one year of marriage, stating that her husband is too nice, never argues with her, and that he cleans the house without being asked. I thought Mr. Rogers was dead??
I have an app on my phone that lets my wife and daughter know where I’m at all times, and even tells them how fast I’m driving. Even worse, the app gives a weekly update to everyone in the ‘group’ to summarize each driver’s top speed of the week (mine was 83 mph…like the t-shirt says…I wasn’t speeding, I was qualifying) and how many miles that driver drove during the week. So the next time I get pulled over and the officer asks me if I know how fast I was going I’m going to tell him that I have no clue but I’m pretty sure my wife does…

Husker Football Joke #1: The Philadelphia Flyers hockey arena will have a ‘rage room’ for its fans that will allow the fans to smash household items with bats and sledgehammers. I don’t know what the big deal is… Husker football fans have had one of these rooms for the last 20 years. It’s called WHEREVER THEY ARE WATCHING THE GAME…
Husker Football Joke #2: A 106-year-old woman attended her first Nebraska game back in September, a blowout loss to Ohio State. Things got a little awkward, however, as the lady spent the entire 2nd half of the game pointing at the Nebraska sideline yelling “where’s the beef??”

Husker Football Joke #3: November 17th is National Hiking Day. Let’s hope the Huskers are taking it seriously this year. Oh wait, different kind of hiking.

Earlier in September a woman in Lincoln accidentally set fire to her apartment after she took a lighter to some of her ex-boyfriend’s love letters. Ironically the love letters stated that he was breaking up with her because there was no heat in their relationship.

Here's your Steven Wright Quote of the Month: “When I was in school the teachers told me that practice makes perfect, but then they told me that nobody’s perfect, so I stopped practicing”.

And finally, I received this joke from Kate recently, and while it might not be the funniest joke you’ve ever heard, we at JTTW recognize the importance of music, and this particular joke comes with a 4-hour you-will-not-be-able-to-get-this-song-out-of-your-head guaranty. Here you go! ‘My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a Believer” by The Monkees because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding…but then I saw her face’.

Until Next Time…Enjoy humming that tune all day… and don’t forget your flu shot! We have 3, count them 3, places in town that provide them….so no excuses!

Jay