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Jay to the World May 2019

Well, it took a long time, but the Mueller Report has finally been released and to be honest, there is nothing in it that I didn’t already know in the first place. We knew that certain people haven’t been very truthful on several occasions and we knew that Russia tried to interfere with our election. Honestly, both of those things don’t really bother me anymore because I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that this is the new normal for our country. People will lie to our faces to further what’s best for them, and Russia will continue to take advantage of the fact that millions of Americans don’t have the ability to know what is real, what is fake, what is fact, and what is fiction. What does bother me is how many people with ties to our current administration are currently in prison, who are probably going to prison, who have been indicted but aren’t going to prison, or who have upcoming trials scheduled. I have one simple question for everyone reading this: How many of you currently have a friend, a colleague, a business associate, a  lawyer, or an accountant currently serving time in prison (I don’t count relatives…everybody has crazy relatives). I’m going to say that the vast majority of you are not raising your hands right now because you have chosen to surround yourself with good, upstanding, moral people because you are a good, upstanding, moral person. You’ve all heard the saying “Birds of a feather flock together”, right?? Just my two cents…

Last month I failed to mention the passing of one of my favorite comedic characters of the past 30 years, Bob Einstein. You might not recognize his name, but many older readers will probably recall his alter ego, Super Dave Osborne. I first saw Super Dave on the ‘It’s Garry Shandling’s Show’ back in the mid 1980’s and to this day much of my love for dry humor is the direct result of Super Dave’s self-important, over-the-top, never-crack-a-smile wit. For those of you not familiar with “The Super One”, every ‘stunt’ he performed had pretty much the same script. He would very seriously explain to his announcing sidekick Mike Walden what was about to happen, the stunt would begin with the real Super Dave, things would go badly, the camera would cut away and the real Super Dave would be replaced by a dummy, the dummy would get annihilated, the camera would cut away again, and then the announcer would go interview the real Super Dave after he had just been hit by bus, dropped off a cliff, or suffered some other horrendous fate. It’s hard to give you the full effect in writing, so do yourself a favor and search YouTube for some Super Dave Osborne clips. It’s not for everyone but if you like dry humor (think Bob Uecker) you’ll get a chuckle out of it… 

Did you hear about the Gretna man whose arrhythmic heart was jolted back to normal after his ambulance hit a pothole?? That’s nothing…I was recently driving on highway 34 near Hastings and almost hit two astronauts who had mistakenly landed on the road after NASA engineers confused it with the moon’s surface (I know, that’s a reach but I have to use up all of my pothole jokes before the road gets fixed, which apparently is going to happen fairly soon). 

So did everyone go out and see ‘Avengers: Endgame’ this past weekend?? It grossed an incredible $1.2 billion in its first weekend and raised one huge question in my mind: Who the heck are the Avengers?? Am I the only person who has never seen an Avengers movie?? Is this a comic book thing, because if it is, I have never read a comic book in my life. I look at the Avengers kind of like Star Wars (May 4th is National Star Wars Day by the way…may the “Fourth” be with you) and I’ve never seen a Star Wars movie either. Heck, I think I was at least 30 before I realized that Star Wars and Star Trek weren’t the same thing…

Me: “Hey Beau, do want my phone?” Beau: “Am I becoming that predictable??”

Me: “Beau, all of your friends eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches”; Beau: Not everybody has the same taste buds, dad”. Touche’….

Senator Elizabeth Warren has announced a plan that, if elected President, she would make college free for everyone and would wipe out everyone’s current student loan debt. Now obviously there is no feasible way for this plan to work long-term, but just to make sure I’d be in full support of a comprehensive trial period during the years 2025-2028 and again for years 2030-2033. I just plucked those years out of thin air…

A recent picture taken in North Carolina showed so much pollen in the air that it was referred to as a “pollenpocalypse”. Personally, I think we’re getting a little carried away by throwing “pocalypse” on the end of certain words just for dramatic effect. Although it would be kind of cool if some guy got chased by a herd of wild hippos and the lead story on the news was “Tonight at 10 hear one man’s survival story of being chased by a herd of hungry hippos. Stay tuned for The Hippopotapocalypse…Only on Channel 7.”

I actually have some banking news to share this month. The ATM at Casey’s is now branded as a Malvern Bank ATM, therefore all Malvern Bank customers can now get cash at Casey’s without any surcharge. We pursued this opportunity in the event that the ATM attached to the bank would become non-operational over a weekend and we wanted to be assured that our customers had a secondary source of cash that didn’t involve stealing from their spouse.

F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote ‘Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy’. My mom brought this quote to my attention last month when we were talking about Tiger Woods’ triumph in the Masters. I don’t really know the exact context of the original quote, and have no idea who F. Scott Fitzgerald is, but I think one could argue that it absolutely fits the story of Tiger and everything he’s endured and overcome to claw his way back to the top. I’ve said it before – Americans love a good comeback story and Tiger’s story certainly fits the bill.

A Pennsylvania firefighter recently ran a half-marathon wearing 50 pounds of firefighting gear. In a related story, I recently paid someone to make sure my riding lawnmower was in tip-top shape so I could mow my ¼ acre lot. Yes, I’m as ashamed typing that as you are reading it…

And finally, to bring attention to the Sesqui-Centennial beard contest in June, I thought now would be the time to inform you that a recent study in Switzerland indicates that a man’s beard is actually dirtier than a dog. In response to this, the top 3 finishers in this year’s beard contest will now receive a $50 gift certificate to Malvern’s very own Dog Spa Mobile Grooming, LLC. So what are you waiting for guys?? Get those applications filled out – you’ll just need to provide your name, occupation, style of beard you’d like to grow, and the date you were neutered.

Until Next Time…This Saturday (May 4th) the Malvern Bank Super Late Models will be racing at Adams County Speedway in Corning – we do have some free tickets if you’re interested. And don’t forget about mom on May 12th!!


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