As most of you know by now, I’m a music guy. One of my all-time favorite movies is ‘School of Rock’ because it shows that music can transform young people and take them to places that they never thought possible. I bring this up because I just attended the East Mills Pops concert and holy cow, there is some serious musical talent in our school district right now. Our 14-person high school choir (11 young ladies and 3 young men with hair I would die for) sounds like the Tabernacle Choir, and the high school band was amazing, from the bass player to the percussion section to the piano soloist (our own Emma Seipold) to the flute soloist and finally to the rock-my-world brass section. And best of all – the junior high talent is just as awesome. There is one more vocal and band concert on May 4th and I HIGHLY recommend you mark your calendars!
The first sign of spring is always baseball spring training, and I know we have a lot of baseball fans out there. So, what is everyone’s opinion on the Houston Astros cheating scandal?? For those of you not following it, the Astros, who won the World Series in 2017, have admitted to stealing signs from opposing team’s catchers throughout the entire 2017 season. Now I admit, at first I wasn’t as upset about it as I probably should have been, but then once the Astros players and their owner decided to start talking publicly about it, I became way more upset about it. The owner basically came out and said that knowing what pitch is coming doesn’t really give the hitter an advantage. Well, apparently the owner never saw the scene in Bull Durham when Nuke, who I think was throwing a 1-hitter at the time, decided to start shaking off Crash’s signs, which led Crash to tell the hitter what pitch was coming (the heat), at which time the hitter hit the ball so hard that it hit the electronic bull over the centerfield wall. Anybody can hit a fastball if they know that a fastball is coming! It’s the cat and mouse game between the pitcher and hitter that makes the game so great!! In my mind this deal is just as bad as the steroid scandal and the Astros should have been stripped of their title. And they really need to hire a new PR firm.
Georgia recently held a contest asking the public to suggest new slogans for the state’s highway safety signs. Some of the winners included ‘Drive like your momma is watching’, ‘Wearing a seatbelt makes you look thinner’, and ‘No one wants to see traffic on Snapchat, Brenda’. Well, most of you probably don’t know this, but on weekends I moonlight as the guy who comes up with those little sayings that you see on the electronic safety signs across the state. I know, I’m as surprised as you are. Anyway, it’s still a work in progress, but here is a sampling of some of my work so far:
The year may be 2020, but our hunters’ vision apparently isn’t: Watch for Deer!
If you’re driving with your knees, we don’t even want to know what you’re doing with your hands…
Maybe Sammy Hagar can’t drive 55, but you can…
Potholes + Potheads…a bad combination
Idiots Out Wandering Around is just a saying created by Nebraskans who secretly wish that they lived in Iowa. That doesn’t mean you have to drive like one.
From the “She Probably Should Have Hired Four Men and a Truck” file: After reporting that her very rare, $194,000 grand piano had been destroyed when movers dropped it while taking it out of a recording
studio, a Canadian woman stated that she was ‘in shock’ and that the piano ‘was her best friend’. Said the woman’s dog, “Huh?”
Last month the San Antonio Zoo had a fundraiser called “Cry Me a Cockroach”, where, for $5, people could name a cockroach after one of their exes and then have the pleasure of watching that particular cockroach get eaten by one of the zoo’s hungry animals. In a related story, next year’s Bachelor reunion show will be held at the San Antonio Zoo.
I’m sure you’ve already heard about the man who is suing the NFL for $867 trillion (yes, trillion with a T) because he felt that the halftime show of this year’s Super Bowl was just a little too risqué and that by watching it he may have lost his chance of getting into heaven. Man, if that’s become the criteria for getting into heaven then my Farrah Fawcett poster from 40 years ago is really going to come back to haunt me.
I went to the Tattoo Convention in Council Bluffs last month. Boy, I looked like a fool…I thought it was a ‘Fantasy Island’ reunion.
This month’s Steven Wright Quote of the Month: “I went to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about some of the people who visited last year”.
This month in music trivia (Prom 1982 edition): Any idea what song holds the record for spending the most consecutive weeks at #2 on the Billboard chart without ever making it to #1?? Here’s a hint: It was released in October of 1981 and spent 9 consecutive weeks in the runner-up spot behind Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” and then spent another week at #2 after it was leap-frogged by “I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do) by Hall and Oates. Need another hint?? If you attended prom back in 1982 like I did, there’s a pretty good chance you awkwardly slow-danced to this song at some point during the evening. Give up?? It’s “Waiting for a Girl Like You” by Foreigner.
KFC and Crocs have teamed up to develop a clog that not only looks like fried chicken but that also smells like fried chicken. Well it’s about time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought to myself “man, if I only had some shoes that would attract raccoons while I’m mowing the lawn”. Yeah, I know, I’m just bitter because I didn’t think of it.
And if that didn’t whet your appetite for filling your home with scents that make you want to line your arteries with cholesterol, McDonalds is celebrating the 50-year anniversary of the Quarter Pounder by offering candles scented with your favorite Quarter Pounder ingredients. Does anyone really want their home smelling like a Quarter Pounder?? Now a McRib on the other hand…I’d slather that sauce over my entire body if I thought it was socially acceptable.
In a recent survey of adult children over the age of 55, eighty percent of the children reported that their parents had exhibited some degree of stubbornness over the past few months. In a related study, twenty percent of adult children over the age of 55 question the confidentiality of surveys.
And finally, Jack Sheldon, the guy who voiced all of the Schoolhouse Rock songs, including “Conjunction Junction”, has died. I have to assume his license plates said “But Man”.
Until Next Time…Don’t forget to ‘spring ahead’ next weekend!!