Jay to the World March 2019

Boy, lots of good stuff going on in the political arena recently! Obviously, the big news, besides the President’s annual Hair Club for Men calendar photo shoot with Kim Jong Un (very disappointed I wasn’t invited), was Michael Cohen’s riveting testimony on Capitol Hill. I know, he’s a convicted liar, but something tells me there’s a lot of truth sprinkled in there also. My favorite part was when he said the president told him to threaten any schools who might release Mr. Trump’s grades or test scores. As a bank president whose ACT score ironically matched the legal drinking age back in 1983 (18) and whose father announced on the bank sign that I had passed Econ 101 in college, my response is: You can do that??

So, everybody having a fun winter?? I’m guessing that everyone over the age of 50 will say that winters like this were quite common ‘back in the day’, but today everything is so hyped and blown out of proportion (do we really need to name winter storms?) because, well, we live in a society that requires shock value before anyone will pay attention. I remember some pretty cold and snowy winters back in the 1970’s and 1980’s, and we didn’t need to hear the name ‘polar vortex’ to know it was cold. The frozen snot on our face after snowmobiling pretty much told the story.

Staying with the weather theme, I was watching Bill Randby last week and I get so depressed when he uses the blue “down” arrow to indicate that a day is going to start out ok but at some point a cold front is going to come through and freeze our little gluteus maximus’ off even further. Honestly, I would rather not know. I mean, we’re going from cold to colder…once you’re cold, you’re cold. Now if he wants to tell me we’ve got a ‘hot front’ coming through (don’t get me started on why we only have ‘warm’ fronts and ‘cold’ fronts but no ‘cool’ fronts or ‘hot’ fronts) and we’re going to start off in the low 20’s but by 4:00 p.m. it’s going to be 75 and sunny, then by all means I need to know that because it’s going to require a clothing change at some point. But going from 30 degrees to 10 degrees during an afternoon?? That’s the difference between hot chocolate and spiked hot chocolate.

And now a weather-related quote, courtesy of my father: As some of you might know, Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow last month, meaning we’re in for an early spring. Now obviously, based on the 10-foot piles of snow and bitterly cold temps on the horizon, the chances of an early spring are not looking good. For some reason this reminded me of my dad’s favorite line whenever the weather person would miss the forecast…he’d walk into my office and say “well, there’s 6 inches of partly cloudy in my driveway”. Classic Big Al.

Quote of the Month (courtesy of recently deceased Senator John Dingell, who tweeted this on the day he died): “As I prepare to leave this all behind, I now leave you in control of the greatest nation of mankind and pray God gives you the wisdom to understand the responsibility you hold in your hands”. I mention this quote because studies show that the consumption of canned tuna is down 40% because millennials are too lazy to open the cans.

I now pause 30 seconds so everyone over the age of 40 can bury their heads in their hands and have a good cry.

One more little millennial nugget for you: 34% of millennials believe that the earth is flat. I have one question for these youngsters (including a few NBA players): Have you ever seen one person fall off the planet?? Yes, I know, we adults often use the phrase “I haven’t seen that guy in forever, it’s almost like he fell off the face of the planet” but that’s what we call a METAPHOR. We don’t actually mean it. If the earth were flat, there would be a cliff, and whenever there is a cliff, people always find a reason to drive, jump or accidentally fall off of the cliff. I have never heard of a person falling off the earth, so if you happen to be an ‘earth is flat’ believer, please hop in your car, start driving west, and call me when you reach the end.

Here’s a joke I recently heard at a banker’s conference: A man and a woman were being interviewed separately as to how their marriage had lasted for 70 years. When asked about the secret to such a long marriage, the wife responded that they had always agreed that she would handle the small decisions and he would handle the big decisions. When the man was asked to name the one key element to their long-lasting marriage, his answer was simply “We never had to make any big decisions”.

It is being reported that recently deceased designer Karl Lagerfeld is leaving part of his $150 million fortune to his cat. Now you know me, I never let an opportunity pass, so may I be the first banker in the country to offer a certificate of deposit designed specifically for pets. Here’s how it works: A pet owner walks into the bank with their beloved pet, and then my staff immediately runs into my office and duct tapes my mouth shut before I say something that might be offensive…

And now your “MacGyver moment of the Month”: I was recently on vacation and realized I had forgotten my shaving cream. Now obviously I could have simply walked to the hotel lobby and solved this little problem, but I doubt if any of you really wanted to read about me buying shaving cream in a hotel. So, after perusing my bathroom supplies, and after performing a Google search to make sure some other idiots had thought about this before me (they had), I decided to go for it. Any guesses?? Here’s a hint: I’m guessing 4 out of 5 dentists would not think this is an acceptable use of this product.

And finally, on a recent trip to Omaha my son asked my wife how to interview for a job, at which time she pretended to interview him for various jobs such as a dentist, a teacher, and a fireman. So naturally that night he asked me what type of questions I had to answer during my job interview and what type of skills are important to work in a bank. As far as skills go; I told him it was really important to be good at math and as in any job, having good communication skills really helps. Regarding the actual interview, I told him it’s very important to dress appropriately, have good eye contact, and in situations like mine where extreme nepotism was involved, don’t ask if your old bedroom is still available…

Until Next time…
Jay