Jay to the World June 2021
Before we get too deep into things, I read an article last week that said drinking any amount of alcohol causes brain damage. Therefore, knowing my readers like I think I do, I thought it might be best to start of this month’s JTTW accordingly: HI. MY NAME IS JAY. I WORK AT MALVERN BANK. YOU ARE PROBABLY A CUSTOMER OF MALVERN BANK. THAT IS WHY YOU RECEIVE THIS NEWSLETTER EACH MONTH. IT’S FREE. THANKS FOR READING!!
Yeah, that was funnier in my brain than it probably turned out on paper…
So how is everyone doing out there in JTTW-land?? I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty energetic right now. While not officially summer, it feels like summer. And after last summer, well let’s just say that I will never take summer for granted ever again. Yes, when it’s hotter than Hades in August I will complain like I always do, but this year I’ve pledged to not complain about the humidity, but to instead just call it a ‘moist heat’. I’m also feeling pretty pumped because I just got done watching 46-year-old Helio Castroneves win the Indianapolis 500, a week after watching 50-year-old Phil Mickelson win the PGA. Combined with Tom Brady’s Super Bowl victory, it just proves once again that age is just a number and there are no limits to what we can accomplish in our 40’s and beyond. So get down and give me 20!!! Or 10…or 5…maybe a couple. Or just tell me that you pictured it in your head and we’ll call it good.
Speaking of aging gracefully, did you know that the oldest living person in the United States currently resides in Omaha? Yep, move to the side Warren Buffett, because 114-year-old Thelma Sutcliffe became Omaha royalty this past April when she, for the lack of a better word, inherited the title of the country’s oldest living person. While Ms. Sutcliffe naturally played down the occasion, her nursing home went all out and scheduled a beautiful ceremony commemorating the event. And while I wasn’t personally invited, I have to assume that the ‘date and time’ section of the party invitation simply read ‘ASAP’.
Yes, I know…hold the emails. Even I feel bad about that one….
How about a little multiple choice to keep this party going: In Oklahoma, a naked man was recently arrested after breaking into a family’s garage and taking a nap in their dog’s bed. The man was ultimately cited for: 1) Breaking and entering 2) Indecent Exposure 3) Not being neutered.
“Speaking of ….” A New Hampshire man was recently arrested after detonating 80 pounds of explosives during a gender reveal party. Man, forget about revealing a gender…that guy was lucky to retain his gender.
Last month a woman in Morocco gave birth to 9 babies despite the fact that she and her husband were only expecting 7. Now granted, I wasn’t there, but I have to assume that their reaction was similar to my daughter’s reaction last week when she opened her Culver’s pretzel bites and realized that they had accidentally given her 11 instead of the standard 10. Again, I’m just assuming…
Researchers recently did an autopsy on a 400-pound alligator in Florida and found five dog tags, a bullet jacket, a spark plug, some turtle shells, and several bobcat claws. Or as MacGyver used to call it – storage bin #1.
I recently read that Vladimir Putin has signed a law that could possibly allow him to remain in power until 2036. In a related story, Soviet dissident Alexey Navalny just announced that he’s signed his official ‘taste tester’ to a new 15-year contract.
Each night, a company that offers mattress reviews, sleep guides and other sleep-related tips, is offering volunteers $1500 to take a nap for 30 straight days. Do you know what my dad used to call people who took a nap every day for 30 straight days?? Amateurs.
A recent study shows that forty percent of college students are addicted to their smartphones. In a related study, 60 percent of college students haven’t figured out how to answer a survey while holding a beer.
And finally, I have some sad news to report…Spencer Silver, the inventor of Post-It notes, has died at the age of 80. Ironically, no friends or relatives attended the funeral because apparently nobody got the message.
Until Next Time, Happy Father’s Day to all of the dads out there, and a very belated Happy Mother’s Day to all of moms who I completely forgot last month!!