Jay to the World June 2020

I’m writing this particular paragraph on the Saturday morning following the first night of protests in Omaha and I must say I’m not feeling overly funny or witty or clever today (that would infer that I was all of those things before – I apologize for the narcissistic tone). But after watching the video of an innocent man being murdered by the police for no reason other than the color of his skin, I’m having a difficult time trying to find any reason at all to feel good about the state of our country right now. Folks, we have a serious problem on our hands and it’s not going away. Racism in America is growing, social injustice in America is growing, and the economic divide in this country is growing. Throw in the fact that we’re in the middle of the worst health crisis in our lifetime, and you can understand how coming up with silly made-up quotes and badly conceived puns during times like this almost seems wrong. But, I have a job to do, which is to be a distraction from the real world for a few minutes every month. So I’ll do my part, but just promise that when you’re done reading and this newsletter has found its proper resting place in the trash can, you’ll go back to being as horrified and frightened and angry as you were before you started reading. Because I certainly will.

I haven’t seen many of you for quite some time (and for those of you who have never met me I’m 6’7” with a lot of hair), and I hope everyone is healthy and safe as we continue to adjust to our new way of life. As a quick update, we are bringing back all of our employees effective June 1st, but as of right now we do not have a definitive date set for re-opening the bank’s lobby. I’m guessing that will happen sometime in June, but we’ll keep you posted on the bank’s Facebook page and other social media outlets.

I was meandering through the bank a couple weeks ago and Michaela Evans, one of our high school part-time employees, was working on her Salutatorian speech for her virtual high school commencement ceremony. And standing next to Michaela was Emma Seipold, our other part-time high school employee, who just happens to be the Valedictorian of this year’s East Mills graduating class (we couldn’t be prouder of both of them). Anyway, I asked the girls why they had to turn in their graduation speeches beforehand, and apparently, according to ‘family sources’, after the 1983 Valedictorian decided to ‘wing it’ during his graduation speech, the Malvern school board got together and decided that they didn’t want to take any chances with future graduation speeches that didn’t quite live up to Valedictorian or Salutatorian standards. So, starting in 1984, they started requiring graduates to turn in their speeches beforehand. Now you know the rest of the story!

I often wonder whatever happened to that narcissistic, egocentric, self-centered, overly confident guy who thought it was a good ideal to get in front of a gymnasium full of people and give a speech that was deemed to be such a disaster that it changed the way graduation speeches would be handled from that time forward. Yep, I sometimes wonder…

President Trump recently unveiled the official flag for the newly created Space Force and indicated that the Defense Department has created a “Super Duper” Missile that can fly 17 times faster than, I’m just guessing here, a Non-Super Duper missile. Now I don’t really know anything about missiles, but for some reason this whole story has made me want to get some Laffy Taffy, put on my tighty whities, and do the Hokey Pokey.

Omaha police, after recently visiting an Omaha gentleman’s club that had promised to have its dancers wear
masks, apparently were satisfied with what they saw and left the establishment without issuing a citation…and surprisingly low on 1’s.

Diego, the Giant Tortoise who fathered over 800 offspring and is credited with singlehandedly saving the species from extinction, has been retired. Can you imagine what his Father’s Day must look like?? All of those cards and gifts…and that’s just from Mitch McConnell.

Two bandits wearing watermelons on their heads recently robbed a convenience store in Virginia. “Those two must have looked like a couple of idiots” said Mr. Potato Head.

I recently read a story that researchers have discovered a saber-toothed fish that lived 40 million years ago and is a close relative to anchovies. This made me think of my dad because he would always order his pizzas with those disgusting little fish on them (a brilliant idea it turns out because he knew nobody at his table, or the entire restaurant for that matter, would steal his pizza). But to sit next to him and watch him eat food with the equivalent of live bait as a topping was almost too much to stomach. Although it did make the ride home in a fog of second-hand smoke seem not quite so bad…

Did you hear about the 93-year-old Pennsylvania woman who received 150 cans of beer from Coors after posting a sign in the window of her house that said ‘Help, I need more beer’?? In a related story, a sign was recently spotted in a window at the White House that said “I’ll have what she’s having…and throw in a ladder”.

Tesla founder Elon Musk and his wife recently announced the birth of their first child, a boy they have named X Æ A-Xii. “Man, that kid doesn’t stand a chance”, said R2-D2.

A police department in Maryland recently sent out a Facebook post reminding the town’s residents to put on their pants before getting their mail, leading me to come up with an idea that is so obvious that it probably already exists: Post Office boxers. Think about it…the Post Office needs money and people need something to wear to get the mail. $49.95 gets you 3 pairs of boxers with a big stamp on the back that has your face on it. It would literally be the gift that keeps on receiving…

President Trump recently visited Michigan, where he told the assembled crowd that several years ago he was given the “Michigan Man of the Year” award. To which Nancy Pelosi replied, “Are you sure it wasn’t the ‘Michelin Man of the Year’??”

And finally, June 27th is World Naked Bike Ride Day. Or as the makers of Boudreaux’s Butt Paste call it, Super Bowl Saturday.

Until Next Time, please take care of yourself and your loved ones, as we continue to be in the middle of perhaps the most trying time in our lives. We’re going to get through this.

Jay