Jay to the World June 2019

Well, we are a few weeks away from Malvern’s big Sesquicentennial celebration that takes place the weekend of June 28-30. There should be a schedule included with your bank statement and you are also encouraged to visit www. Malvernsesq.com for a full schedule of events and merchandise that you can purchase to commemorate the big occasion. The bank will host an open house on the morning of June 29th (before the parade) that will include kid’s activities and some fun swag giveaways. There has been a fun picture of my dad, Melvin Leu, Ed Mulholland, and Dale Stephens circulating recently that was taken during Malvern’s Centennial celebration 50 years ago (we have the picture on the bank’s Facebook page) and I’m hopeful that everyone will take lots of pictures in a few weeks so Malvern’s next generation of residents will have some fun pictures to look at when they celebrate our 200th birthday in the year 2069!!

And just for the record, if I happen to be around for Malvern’s 200th birthday celebration (I would be 104 years old) I would like to be paraded through town on the top of an old station wagon like Aunt Edna in the movie “Vacation”, minus the nap sack.

Obvious Punch line Alert: 16,000 people recently turned out at Horseman’s Park in Omaha to witness, among other things, ostrich and camel racing. Said the 2nd place camel jockey, “I thought we had it there for a minute but I just couldn’t get over the hump”.

A recent study in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology has concluded that workers who are forced to smile throughout the workday are more likely to consume larger quantities of alcohol once they leave work. So next time you are in the bank and ask to exchange a dollar for four quarters, don’t be surprised if our tellers subconsciously bounce the quarters off the counter back to you. They’re just practicing…

Former defense secretary and CIA director Bill Gates says that the ages of Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden and Donald Trump are ‘problematic’ because people in their 70’s and beyond lack the ‘intellectual acuity’ that they did in their 60’s. Now I don’t know what the phrase ‘intellectual acuity’ means but if it has anything to do with a person’s ability to perform simple tasks then I’m in a world of trouble because I spent 5 minutes this morning trying to untangle a wire whisk and a set of tongs.

Yoko Ono once said “Try to say nothing negative about anybody for 3 days, for 45 days, for 3 months. See what happens to your life.” I mention this quote because I recently read an interesting article about the detrimental effect that holding grudges has on your body and how studies show that carrying anger into old age is associated with higher levels of inflammation and chronic illness. Now I don’t want to get all scientific on you or anything, but feelings of revenge raise your cortisol levels (a stress hormone) and deplete your oxytocin levels, which is your love and bonding hormone. So, I’m going to pledge right now that starting June 1st I will not say anything negative about anyone (yes, even you know who) for 3 days and see what happens. I might have to hook myself up to an oxytocin IV drip to ward off the shakes, but I’m going to give it a shot. Wish me luck!!

The Omaha City Council, in a move to entice people to pay their traffic fines, has approved a vehicle disabling system that clamps to your windshield so you can’t see forward. Now if I know my readers, and I think I do, every single one of us has, at some point in our lives, driven our cars with our heads sticking out the driver-side window, right?? Am I the only one who doesn’t see this as a deterrent, but as a challenge??

A Boston man recently called police and told them that someone had broken into his home and cleaned it. I have to assume that he phoned in the emergency by dialing 4.0.9….

Iowa Senator Joni Ernst has introduced legislation to cap presidential perks, arguing that former Presidents no longer need taxpayer assistance because they have the ability to make millions on book deals and speaking engagements. When told this, President Trump immediately put a tariff on all goods that will be consumed at this summer’s Ernst Family Picnic.

As some of you already know, I’m a guy who always looks out for other guys because, well, we’re all on the same team and who else is going to, right?? Well gentleman, if you are anything like me, from time to time you will purchase something that you are afraid to tell your wife or significant other about. Come on, we all do it. I can’t be the only guy who’s purchased something online and had it mailed directly to work, only to realize later that I have to spend the rest of my life trying to cover the whole thing up. Therefore, I am always on the lookout for somebody to do something so stupid that it makes my stupid stuff look not so stupid. And right on cue comes our knight in shining armor, Robert E. Mnuchin, an art dealer and the father of Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, who recently purchased a metal rabbit sculpture for $91 million. So guys, next time you’re too afraid to tell her about that new bass boat that you’re currently storing at your buddy Jim’s house, drop the $91 million metal rabbit on her. You’ll be good to go!!

70,699 psychiatrists have signed a petition stating that President Trump is mentally unstable. When informed of this, the President immediately put a tariff on couches.

Beau’s hand-written Mother’s Day card:

     Dear Mom,

     You are super nice so I don’t feel as cold as ice
     You are super funny so the sun is super sunny
     I like that you pick me up from school
     That is why you’re so cool
     You aren’t mean
     That is why you’re so clean
     Love you!

I’m starting to think that when this whole ‘Jay to the World’ thing fizzles out (and I’m guessing for some of you that day can’t come soon enough), we can look forward to ‘Beau to the Globe’.

And finally, a man was recently arrested and accused of theft after leaving a restaurant with a rack of ribs in his pants. I’m sure that was uncomfortable, but I’m thinking he’s just lucky it wasn’t “Lobster Night”.

Until Next Time…Don’t forget dad on June 16th!!

Jay