Jay to the World July 2020

So is everybody still hanging in there?? It’s hard to fathom that we’re already into July and we’re still dealing with a virus that was supposed to go away when it got hot. Obviously, that hasn’t happened and now it appears that until a vaccine is developed, we’re going to be dealing with masks and little stickers telling us where to stand and arrows telling us which direction to walk. I was in Missouri this past weekend (or as I call it – Misery...I can say that because I lived there for 4 years) and was shocked at how many people (many under the age of 30) were crammed into shops and restaurants – it was an extremely claustrophobic feeling... and I was just looking through a window. It made me think about this fall and if there is a Husker football season, would I actually attend a game. As of right now, if every other seat were empty, I would probably chance it. But in a full stadium?? No way.

Speaking of the Huskers, I see that Midland University has added women’s flag football as a varsity sport. Which got me to thinking...until we have a vaccine, why doesn’t college football just play flag football for a year or two?? You wouldn’t have all of these heavy-breathing men all piled up sharing COVID-19 germs and the crowds would be able to see the players without helmets, which would be kind of cool. I’m not saying I would travel a long distance to watch Nebraska play Ohio State in what amounts to an intramural game, but I sure as heck would watch it on TV.

And now from the news desk of Captain Obvious: I read an article online a couple weeks ago titled “Corn Market Ready to Move in Either Direction”. In related news, the sun came up today, every box of cereal in my house looks as if it was opened by raccoons, and at least once a week your spouse makes a ‘honey, you’re an idiot’ face behind your back.

Did you read about the 93-year-old-man who hitchhiked to a local convenience store so he could get his 94- year-old wife a Hershey bar?? Boy, times sure have changed. The other day we were watching TV and I asked Beau to go the kitchen and grab me a bottle of water – by his reaction you would have thought I had asked him to walk to Switzerland and bottle it at the source.

I recently read an article about the pandemic-fueled phenomenon called ‘Turbo Relationships’, where new couples will move much more quickly through the various stages of dating, often fitting 2 years of milestones into as little as 2 months. So naturally I would assume that the old wedding ring guideline of two months salary will now be adjusted to two weeks salary...that would seem only fair, right guys??

Speaking of guys, from time to time I like to reach out to my male readers and offer some words of advice and encouragement as we continually strive to overcome our lack of good judgment. With that being said, July 20th is “National Get Out of the Doghouse Day”. So gentleman, if you are going to do something stupid this month, and after meeting many of you I think it’s safe to say the odds are fairly high, I recommend you do it on July 19th just to shorten your time in the penalty box. As always, you’re welcome.

A distillery in Australia recently had to recall a large volume of gin bottles after it was discovered that the bottles were actually filled with hand sanitizer. In a related story, somewhere in the world an obsessively clean 32-year-old is suddenly wondering why his hands taste so good...

My favorite headline of the month: “World famous psychic forced to cancel tour due to unforeseen circum- stances”.

A few months ago a snow crab sold for $46,000 in Japan. Upon hearing the news, President Trump re- sponded, “See, if global warming were real, would that crab have been covered in snow?? I rest my case...”.

A couple weeks ago, at age 55, I purchased my first bottle of Rolaids. So if you are keeping track at home, I am now just a pack of Marlboro’s and a Twin Bing candy bar away from officially becoming my father.

Police in Florida were dispatched to a house recently after a neighbor reported what was believed to be a woman in distress, only to find out after they arrived that it was simply a pet parrot wanting out of its cage. In a related story, the First Lady just went out and purchased a parrot.

Amusement parks in Japan are finally reopening, but for social distancing purposes, riders on roller coasters will not be allowed to scream. That’s the bad news...the good news is that soiling your underwear is still acceptable.

I recently saw the Geico commercial about the couple who have a ‘Ratt’ problem and every time they walk into a room the hair band Ratt is jamming to their famous tune ‘Round and Round’. In a related story, after realizing that their one big chance at stardom had passed them by, the Squirrel Nut Zippers disbanded.

Monthly Confession: I had no clue the band Squirrel Nut Zippers even existed until I Googled ‘Bands Named After Rodents’.

I recently read an article about some police officers in Florida who used Krispy Kreme donuts to lure a 250- pound black bear into a cage so the bear could be relocated to a wildlife area. Now I wasn’t there to witness this situation in person, but I have to assume that the whole ordeal closely resembled how we used to coax my dad out of his leather recliner.

A golden retriever in Tennessee named Augie recently turned 20 years old, making it the oldest golden retriever on record. Unfortunately, his chances of making it to 21 were diminished greatly recently when his owners volunteered Augie to star in ‘Old Yeller 2: The Rabies are Back’.

And finally, a company named Omega Ingredients has formulated a new fragrance called Eau de Space that will bring the smell of space down to earth. Because let’s face it...I think at some point we’ve all longed for that romantic candlelight dinner when our significant other whispers across the table “honey, is that Uranus that I smell??”

Until Next Time...I think it would just be best to end on that note because I really don’t feel good about those last two.

Have a great July everybody!!

Jay