Jay to the World July 2019

Well, it’s 9:30 on Sunday night and I was supposed to have this finished on Friday, but as most of you know Malvern’s Sesquicentennial was this past weekend and Friday was probably the most chaotic day that I can remember in the bank in quite some time. So now would be a really good time for me to personally thank all Malvern Bank employees, as well as everyone who sacrificed their time over the past several months, for making the last few days in Malvern so special. From Friday night’s free dinner on Main Street, live music in the park, and incredibly cool lantern launch, to Saturday’s parade, storytelling (great job, Tina!), auto push ball and fireworks; the weekend was an opportunity for Malvern area residents, both past and present, to see old friends, tell stories, reminisce, laugh, cry, and marvel in the renaissance of our beautiful town. The weather was brutal, but what I will remember most (besides the air-conditioned porta potties – I’m pretty sure some people were just hanging out in them) is that when it comes to throwing a party, Malvern always steps up to the plate.

Warning: The following paragraph is kind of depressing but it will make the rest of this month’s JTTW way funnier: According to a study released by Georgetown’s Center on Education and the Workforce, low-income kindergartners who received high scores on tests of academic talent fared significantly worse when it came to graduating from college and obtaining a desirable entry-level position than children of the same age who performed poorly but came from families in the top income quartile. To be more specific, the rich kids had a 7 in 10 chance of graduating from college and getting a good job, while the disadvantaged children only had a 3 in 10 chance of reaching these milestones. I just thought this would be good information while we’re busy ‘draining the swamp’.

I see that break dancing could very well be an Olympic sport by the year 2024. Boy, I really hope they have an over 50 age bracket, because don’t think for a minute that I won’t try to convince my kids that I’m going to attempt to qualify for it. Now granted, I can barely get out of bed without pulling my groin, but just seeing the embarrassment on their faces as I “fake practice” on the floor will be totally worth the pulled muscles and the floor burns…

A 103-year-old woman nicknamed ‘The Hurricane’ recently set a record for her age group after simply finishing the 50-meter dash and the 100-meter dash at the National Senior Games in New Mexico. Not to be outdone, 102-year-old Willy “The Tasmanian Devil” Bruckmeier was declared the winner of the discus throw with a toss of 20 feet, 7 inches. Everyone was really impressed until it was discovered that his teeth flew 22 feet, 9 inches.

Research shows that the stress levels of dogs is tied directly to the stress levels of their owners. I mention this because our dog Daisy barks like crazy every time my wife hugs me. She even started barking the other day when Jessie hugged me and we were upstairs and the dog was downstairs! So gentlemen, if you’re like me and not really into the whole hugging thing, get yourself a jealous dog. They really are man’s best friend.

PAGING MR. BELDING: A man in Vermont was recently arrested for running into a police car while searching for a ‘Saved by the Bell’ episode on his phone. Onlookers immediately called 911 after hearing a loud Screetch.

Two thieves in Houston were arrested after a high-speed chase that began when the burglars accidentally butt dialed 911 on themselves. I can just hear it now: “911, what’s your emergency?” Ummmm…yeah, about that. Here’s the deal…me and my buddy just robbed this store and he obviously can’t hold a gun and his phone at the same time, so he put his phone in his back pocket and when he sat down in our blue Ford getaway car with license plates that read “2idiots” he accidentally butt dialed you. He’s got a big butt and this happens to him all the time. Just disregard the whole thing.”

There is a company that is trying to develop an app that will allow odors to be transmitted over the internet. Now I’m as open-minded as the next guy, but my kids recently introduced me to something called the “Dutch Oven” (same basic concept of global warming, except instead of greenhouse gases and the ozone layer it’s a gassy child under a blanket) and I can honestly say that being able to transmit anything even close to that smell over the internet is a horrible idea.

Studies show the brain of a typical 30-year old woman appears to be 3-4 years younger than the brain of a typical 30-year old male. So let’s see, if I’m 16 years older than my wife (I am) and my brain was already 3-4 years older to start with, that would make my brain something like 20 years older than hers. With that being said, I have a new study that I came up with all by myself: Apparently the age of your brain and your ability to parallel park are not connected.

And finally, I recently read that Girl Scouts in the Arlington, Virginia area are volunteering to help senior citizens learn how to operate their smart phones. This is such a nice gesture, but I can only imagine the confused looks on the senior citizen’s faces when the Girl Scouts started talking about cookies.

Until Next Time…is it me, or are there a lot more butterflies this year??
Jay