Jay to the World January 2021
First and foremost, I just want to start off the new year by once again thanking each and every one of you for making JTTW a very small part of your monthly routine. There are so many platforms out there vying for your attention and just knowing that you feel that this newsletter is worthy of 3 minutes of your free time every month is awesome. I know I say some things I shouldn’t, and I know that my sense of humor doesn’t play to all audiences, so thank you for being the most awesome group of readers a person could ever ask for. I know that 2020 was the hardest year that many of us have faced in our lifetimes, and I’m sure that 2021 is going to present some challenges as well. But just know that yours truly, along with my amazing staff, are here to help in any way we can. You are the reason that our bank is able to remain independent in a world of constant consolidation and we understand that you are not here for us, we are here for you. So, I would like to wrap up the sentimental portion of this month’s JTTW by wishing each and every one of you a safe, healthy, and prosperous 2021!!
If you remember, at the end of last month’s JTTW, I said that I would come up with a fun way to address what’s going on in our political world right now, and I can safely say that after HOURS of writing and deleting and stewing and fretting, I can say without any hesitation whatsoever that there is no way to do that. It makes me think of that line in Top Gun when Maverick went to Viper’s house and saw a picture of his dad with Viper, and Viper proceeded to tell Maverick about what a great pilot his father was, but before telling the story, Viper said “what I’m about to tell you is classified – it could end my career”. That’s pretty much how I feel right now, because social media has taken over this country and if you say one wrong word or voice an opinion that doesn’t align with others, you are running the risk of being out of business and I simply care too much about Malvern, my employees, and every single one of you to risk losing it all. So, I’m going to let the so-called ‘adults in the room’ figure out this mess and I’ll stick to my strengths…toilet humor, made up quotes, and jokes about the First Lady trying to socially distance from her husband…
A man in Italy recently went on a 280-mile walk to cool down after an argument with his wife, only to be arrested for breaking COVID-19 lockdown protocol. “A 280-mile walk just to get away from your spouse?? Who would do that, and what kind of shoes would one wear?? Asking for a friend”, said the First Lady.
An Alaskan couple recently named their newborn “Sky” after the child was born on an airplane. In a related story, every person named Charmin is starting to wonder where in the heck they were born…
This Month in Frivolous Lawsuits: A man in New York has filed a lawsuit claiming that Kings Hawaiian rolls aren’t actually made in Hawaii. When hearing of this, the President responded “Oh great, now I suppose you’re going to tell me that my chicken isn’t made in Kentucky. Get Rudy on the phone!!”
Speaking of KFC, many of you might already know that the restaurant chain has teamed up with the Lifetime Channel to make an original movie called “Recipe for Seduction”, with Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell fame starring as Colonel Sanders. Uh-Oh, I feel an idea coming on: What if Popeyes Chicken teamed up with the Golf Channel for a new show called ‘Chicken Swingers’... It would be an alternate shot format where every player, between shots, has to have both hands immersed in a bucket of chicken and they can’t wash their hands before the next shot. I know you think this sounds ridiculous, but I think Fairview Hills Golf Course right here in Malvern would be the perfect place for a test run. Granted, after 3 holes they’d eat all the chicken, but it would be fun while it lasted.
Last month a couple was arrested after hosting a birthday party bus packed with 60 mask-less kids. Not surprisingly, when the couple was offered to post bail and rejoin the party, they quickly responded “No, we’re good”.
And now your January ‘No Punchline Needed Arrest of the Month’: A Columbia Falls, Montana man recently crashed his car into a grocery store and then ran naked through a nearby retirement home. He will face multiple charges, said police chief Clint Peters.
President Trump recently stated that he will consider giving a pardon to anyone who has ever talked to him. “Does the whole ‘I Do’ thing count??” said the First Lady.
And finally, last weekend the oldest living person on earth turned 118 and when she was asked what the keys to her longevity were, she cited a healthy diet and a daily ritual of practicing math problems on her notepad. Ironically, one of the first gift packages the woman received on her birthday was from the world’s second-oldest living person, who sent her a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a calculator, and a gift certificate for 10 free McRibs.
Until Next Time…Keep masking, keep distancing, listen to music every single day, and remember… January 21st is National Squirrel Appreciation Day.