Jay to the World January 2020
Well ladies and gentleman, we did it! It is officially 2020 and since most humans only get to see AT MOST 11 different decades in their lifetimes, I think it’s pretty cool that we all survived to see another one. I have to admit that this one feels a little different than the others, as I’ve never felt so much uncertainty going from one decade to the next. To be honest, I don’t really remember going from the 70’s to the 80’s or the 80’s to the 90’s…I was just young and stupid and broke, so all of those years just sort of blended together. Obviously going from 1999 to 2000 was interesting with the whole Y2K thing, but otherwise changing decades has never been a big deal to me. This time, however, it is a big deal because I feel like our country is sort of at a tipping point on many fronts. Our political system is a mess, this beautiful planet we call home is being assaulted by the very people who inhabit it, racism is on the rise, and the divide between the uber wealthy and the rest of society has never been wider. But to me, the number one biggest issue, and threat, to the future of this wonderful country lies in one word: TRUTH. Every day our abilities to discern truth from lies and fact from fiction is being tested and it is imperative that we, as American citizens, pay homage to those who gave their lives for this country by not believing every single thing that we read or hear. It is up to us to find the truth, to research the facts, and to decide for ourselves what is real and what isn’t real. We live in the greatest country on the planet but it’s still our duty, as American citizens, to do our part to uphold the legacy of those who came before us.
Some of you have reached out recently to inquire about our new venture called Dirt Track Bank (www.dirttrack.bank). Quite simply, DTB is an online-only division of Malvern Bank that was created with one goal in mind – to attract new depositors to Malvern Bank via the world of dirt track racing. As most of you know, Malvern Bank is one of the few banks in the area that has no branches, therefore attracting enough deposits to fund our very active loan department can be very challenging. Therefore, we’ve decided to reach out to dirt track fans all across the country in an attempt to grow our core depositor base beyond the confines of the Mills county area. There are literally thousands of banks across the country that were created for specific groups, whether it be military families, firemen, teachers, or law enforcement personnel just to name a few. We just thought dirt track fans deserved a bank that they could call their own.
And now your Steven Wright Quote of the Month: “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women around, is he still wrong??”
A bus driver who was able to get two lost dogs onto her bus credits her success in saving the animals to the fact that she considers herself to be a dog ‘whisperer’. Ironically, the bus driver’s favorite movie is Old Yeller.
Our unseasonably warm Christmas made me remember that a few months ago I had read about a government-funded study by the University of Nebraska that found that the weather in Iowa and Nebraska in 80 years will be similar to the weather that is found today in Southern Texas. Now I’ve been to southern Texas in the middle of the summer, and I can’t think of a more miserable climate in which to live. But, being the glass half-full guy that I am, can you imagine Spring Break in 80 years?? Hey Joe, where are you headed for Spring Break?? Cancun?? Daytona?? Heck no, I’m headed to Lake Manawa baby!!
A new apple that has been in development for 20 years in now on supermarket shelves. Called the Cosmic Apple, it promises the perfect blend of taste and crispness, and has a one-year shelf life. But the best part is that when you hold your tongue while saying Cosmic Apple, it’s super funny.
General Motors has petitioned the NTSB to allow for the sale of autonomous vehicles with no steering wheels or pedals starting in 2020. This is just great…now other drivers will have both hands available when I cut them off in traffic.
I recently read that humans make up to 35,000 decisions every day. Something tells me you’ve burned at least 10 of those just trying to decide if you should keep reading…
President Trump says that Americans are flushing their toilets too much. Ok, I’ll make you a deal Mr. President…you stop tweeting (he’s at 11,000 and counting) and I’ll stop flushing and we’ll both give our toilets a break.
So, how many of you held your tongue and said “cosmic apple??”
There is an airport in England that is working on ways to get people on airplanes faster. I know I don’t speak for everyone, but I think one thing that would make a big difference, at least for me personally, would be to MAKE THEM STOP CRASHING!
A 25-year-old woman from England has become the first female dart player to beat a man at the world championships. After reading this, I remembered that a couple months ago I mentioned that the game of cornhole was the only game where you could compete at the highest level without putting down your beer. I stand corrected.
This Month in Miscommunication: As some of you might already know, my mom passed away in December but I wanted to share a funny story that had happened a few months back. I was driving to Omaha and I called her to see if she wanted some coffee and she immediately started into a mini-tirade that I thought was centered on the stock market. Now granted, for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why my mother was so worried about the stock market, but I obliged and immediately started to vent on tariffs and interest rates and the such when she stopped me and said that she had no idea what I was talking about and that she didn’t know what any of that had to do with the dog barking across the hallway.
And finally, I have sad news to report: The last living person involved with the carving of Mount Rushmore has died. Although it was a sad time for the gentleman’s family, they remembered him with a beautiful memorial service that included some of his favorite songs and poems, and ended with a processional that led everyone to the base of Mount Rushmore, where he was laid to rest in Lincoln’s left nostril.
New decade, same stupidity. I should probably just apologize in advance for what you’re going to be reading over the next 10 years.
Until Next Time…Happy New Year Everyone!!!