Greetings everyone and welcome to another edition of JTTW! I just finished watching the Chiefs/Bengals game and for the fourth straight time, these two juggernauts played to a 3- point game, with the good guys coming out on top this time. I am really looking forward to the Super Bowl battle between Philadelphia’s Jalen Hurts and Kansas City’s Patrick Mahomes. It’s going to be a shootout…and assuming that Patrick doesn’t tweak the injured ankle, I think the Chiefs will win 38-31….in overtime!
Before we get too deep into things, I thought this might be a good time to reassure all of you that I recently completed a thorough cleaning of my office desk drawers AND my sock/underwear drawer at home and I can now say with 100 percent certainty that I AM NOT harboring any classified documents. Granted, I did find enough fiber gummies to unclog a kitchen sink, but when it comes to classified documents, this particular president is document-free.
This Month in Super-Depressing Clocks, Part 1: I saw a couple weeks ago that the Doomsday Clock, the symbolic clock that is used to measure how close we are to the end of civilization, was moved up to 90 seconds before midnight, the closest it’s ever been to midnight. The scientists who set the clock blamed the Russia/Ukraine war, online disinformation, the climate crisis, and Rosanne Barr’s upcoming comedy special as the reasoning behind the clock’s adjustment.
This Month in Super-Depressing Clocks, Part 2: So, have you heard about the Death Clock?? Yes, there is a website (deathclock.com) where you input information about yourself and it will tell you when you’re going to die. Now listen, I’m as open-minded as the next guy, but this sounded absolutely ludicrous to me…So naturally, I was all in. You basically put in your age, your sex, your body mass index, smoking status, and your mode. What’s your mode you might be wondering. Well, that’s your outlook on life…you’re either normal, pessimistic, sadistic, or optimistic. On my first try I answered ‘normal’ because I just figured that’s pretty middle-of-the-road. Unfortunately, that netted me the following date: July 18, 2038. Uh, hello…that’s in 15 years. Sorry, but that doesn’t fit into my schedule at all. So, I changed my mode to ‘optimistic’ and my life expectancy increased an additional 24 years to September 17, 2062…19 days before my 98th birthday. Yeah, I don’t really want to be 98-years-old either, so I’m thinking I’m going to live out the rest of my life being ‘normally optimistic’…yes, it’s cold, but it’s not too cold. Yes, the Huskers lost, but they looked better…yep, that should get me to 85!!
It's been a long time since I did a Stephen Wright joke and I just happened to come across this one the other day while perusing YouTube…enjoy…
“People say that you don’t know what you got until it’s gone…I wanted to know what I had so I got rid of everything”…
And now your misleading headline of the month: So, I’m one of those people who requires a really large font on my phone because I don’t carry reading glasses (so if any of you ever need to text me something really private, I suggest you not do it while I’m attending a sporting event because everyone within 3 rows of me will be able to read it). Anyway, one of the other downsides to the larger font is when a headline pops into my phone, it can sometimes be a little misleading. Case in point…just the other day I received an email and on my screen it said in really big letters ‘Camel bites man’. Well, for those of you who know me, that’s comedy gold right there. First thing that crossed my mind?? Wonder if it happened on a Wednesday. So naturally I opened the email only to see that the rest of headline said ‘and tramples him to death at kid’s party in Russia.’ Man, talk about buzzkill. The only way I could have made that funny was if the guy’s name was Vladimir.
Ok, one more headline and then I’ll stop: ‘Falling Iguana Smacks Man in the Face During Yoga Class in Florida’. Honestly, I didn’t know if this really happened or if it was just a George Santos excuse for being late to a meeting…
And finally, retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin recently celebrated his 93rd birthday by getting married to his long-time girlfriend, 63-year-old Anca Faur. Once the ceremony was over, the happy couple was whisked away in a horse and carriage to a local bed and breakfast, where, in preparation for the next several years of her life, the bride carried the groom across the threshold…
Until Next Time…we have lots of extra racing hoodies from last year in sizes XXL and XXXL…if anyone is interested email Cindy at cbowley@malvern.bank and she’ll get you hooked up with one…and guys, don’t forget Valentine’s Day on the 14th!!!
Jay