Jay to the World February 2021
Before we dig too deep into this month’s JTTW, we need to have a serious conversation about something that came to my attention just the other day: apparently our country is in the midst of a Grape Nuts shortage. Yes, you read that correctly…we don’t have enough Grape Nuts in the United States to meet the demand of people who apparently don’t require any taste in their cereals. So, for all of you who were planning on spending Valentine’s Day with that special someone over a bowl of your favorite colon cleanser, just know that there are people in this country right now who wake up every single day with one goal in mind – getting the Nuts back on the table where they belong. Be strong, Nut lovers!!
Well, we’re one week away from the big game, and now that gambling is legal in Iowa (how’s it going over there Nebraska), I thought I would do the heavy lifting and help all of you with your Super Bowl pick. Therefore, this past week I spent hours poring through statistics and trends and game highlights to try to find that one little nugget of information that may very well prove to be the difference between winning and losing your office pool. Ok, I admit that I haven’t spent any time analyzing the big game, because it’s pretty simple: Tom Brady has won 6 Super Bowls. I can’t bet against that, so while I’ll be rooting for the Chiefs, I just have a feeling that Tom Brady on his home field will be pretty tough to over-come. I’m going Bucs 43 (Tom’s age), Chiefs 25 (Patrick’s age).
One bit of bank housekeeping…you can now text us! Yes, for those of you who need to connect with Malvern Bank after hours, or if you just prefer texting over calling, you now have that option. The number is the same as the bank’s main number (712-624-8686), and while I don’t know all of the specifics (they don’t tell me and I don’t ask), it sounds like a great way to stay connected with all of you. So next time you’re not driving and have a question/comment, shoot us a text. But remember, once you hit the send button it’s final, so if you have us in your phone under ‘Bank’ but you’re having a fight with your boyfriend Hank, you might want to be careful…they probably look the same at 1:00 a.m.
Speaking of new ways to be heard, did you know that there is a hotline called ‘Just Scream’ that allows callers to call in, scream as loud and long as they would like, and then hang up?? Yep, it’s a way for those of you who might not currently be in a relationship to act like you’re in a relationship…without the awkward hug the next morning!!
Last month a SpaceX Dragon capsule returned to earth from the International Space Station with 12 bottles of wine on board. Granted, the return trip started with 42 bottles of wine on board but who’s counting. And yes Steve, you’re too old to become an astronaut.
Speaking of… After having a little too much to drink while watching a Celine Dion concert on television during the holidays, a man in England has officially changed his name to Celine Dion. Am I the only person who’s thankful that it wasn’t a Butthole Surfers’ concert??
Mike Fleiss, the creator of ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’, has put his beachfront home on the island of Kawai up for sale for $34 million. To put that number in perspective, if you took $1 million and multiplied it by the cumulative IQ of this year’s Bachelorette contestants, it would equal $34 million.
And since we all need a feel-good story right about now…A 94-year-old WWII veteran has been granted permission to be buried in a casket that will be painted to resemble a stick of Juicy Fruit gum. For those of you who might not be familiar with the story, during World War II Wrigley took Spearmint, Doublemint, and Juicy Fruit gum off the civilian market and sent it all to the US Armed Forces. Although Wrigley initially denied this hero’s wish, public pressure through social media finally won out and a local funeral home will have the casket ready when needed. That should put a smile on your face today.
To help people get over their broken New Year’s resolutions, Hamm’s Beer is giving away 50 “Broken Resolution Preparedness Kits’ that are filled with a 6-pack of beer and 5 pounds of bacon. I have to admit that this is pretty clever marketing… unless of course you’re a winner and your New Year’s resolution was to quit drinking and to cut your cholesterol.
And finally, Tennessee officials have announced that they are considering building a statue of Dolly Parton and putting it in front of the state capitol. But don’t worry…special engineers have already been called in to ensure that it doesn’t end up looking like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Until Next Time…Stay safe, wear a mask, social distance, and bundle up!!