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Jay to the World February 2020

So, did everyone enjoy watching the Super Bowl?? No, I’m asking because my deadline for getting this month’s JTTW  to Tricia was the Friday before the big game so I’m writing this 4 days before kickoff. I have to admit, I haven’t been this excited for a Super Bowl in a long, long time. But as you know by being a loyal reader, I’m pretty good at prognostications (remember I picked Nebraska to finish 8-4 and they did finish 8-4…8 losses and 4 wins…nobody ever said what order the numbers needed to be in). So, here is my prediction for the big game that is already over: The Chiefs will fall behind by 14 points, Patrick Mahomes will once again come to the rescue and the Chiefs will win on a last-second field goal, with the final score being 38-35. Go Chiefs!! Or, great effort Chiefs, maybe next year.

For those of you who never had the opportunity to know my dad, he always told the same stories over and over again. Granted, they weren’t really that funny, but he had his go-to stories that for whatever reason stuck with him. One of his favorites centered on my early childhood and my propensity to stretch the truth. It went something like this: Apparently after hearing another of my ‘non-truths’ my parents informed me that people get spots on their tongues when they lie. Now obviously there was no way I was going to fall for the old ‘spots on your tongue’ line, but sure enough when they turned their heads, I apparently walked right up to the kitchen window and when I thought they weren’t looking I stuck out my tongue to see if I could see the spots in the reflection of the window. I’m not really going anywhere with this story…it just popped into my head as I was watching the impeachment hearings….

And now your Steven Wright Quote of the Month (and if I’ve already used this one, just know that my brain is fried…I know it’s fried because in the span of two months I: 1) Tried to pay at the Runza drive-thru without ordering anything; 2) Had to run home and grab money after my groceries had already been totaled up at Mulhollands; and 3) Went to a Creighton game without any tickets…and I’m a season ticket holder…

So, where were we?? Oh yeah, your Steven Wright Quote of the Month: “I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.”

So apparently an animal shelter in North Carolina put an ad on Facebook asking people to adopt what they called the “World’s Worst Cat”. Some of the cat’s less-than-stellar traits included ‘jump scaring’ people, slapping anyone who tried to pet her, and ‘staring into your soul until you feel as if you may never be cheerful again’. Thankfully, all stories have a happy ending at JTTW, and the last I heard the cat was headed to Washington, D.C., where I can only assume it was being adopted by Mitch McConnell.

This month in frivolous lawsuits, Part 1: A vegetarian is suing Burger King after ordering a ‘Meatless Whopper’ only to find that the burger was actually prepared on the same grill as a regular burger. I don’t know, I’ve been inside a lot of fast food restaurants in my life and I can honestly say that burger cross-contamination has always been the least of my public health concerns. I swear, when I’m in one of those places I just look straight ahead because I don’t even want to know how dirty the floor and the counters are…

This month in frivolous lawsuits, Part 2: A high school baseball coach was recently cleared from any wrongdoing after being sued by a former player who says his career-ending ankle injury was caused by the coach’s instructions that the player slide into third base. This would be like an outfielder suing God because he got hit in the face after losing a ball in the sun. Don’t worry, I Googled it. That hasn’t happened…yet.

Missouri police are looking for a man who recently robbed a laundromat while wearing a “It’s not a crime unless you get caught” t-shirt. Said Rudy Guliani, “I’ve never even been to Missouri”.

Billionaire Yusaku Maezawa is currently taking applications from women who would like to become his life partner and eventually join him on a trip to the moon in 2023. I really hope my wife doesn’t hear about this, because it’s been at least a year since she has brought up the fact that I made her pay for her own meal at Spaghetti Works on our first date almost 20 years ago. I know, I’m not proud of it either…

A Florida couple who were arrested for selling tickets to heaven told police that Jesus gave them the tickets behind a KFC. When hearing of this, Popeyes immediately announced a new ad campaign with the slogan “You won’t need a ticket to heaven after eating our new chicken sandwich”. BTW…I’ve tried it…it’s AWESOME!

Speaking of chicken, the new Top Gun movie is coming out this summer. I know what you’re thinking…here comes another of Jay’s stupid marketing ideas that never go anywhere. And you’d be correct…so here’s my pitch: Buffalo Wild Wings…a bunch of guys sitting around tables uttering to each other “You can be my wingman anytime”. And then Maverick walks in and says “I feel the need, the need for wings”. Just remember, I’m not charging for this….

Police in Lawrenceville, GA are looking for a man who broke into a Taco Bell on Christmas day and, after cooking himself a meal, took a nap and then ran off. I have no idea where he went, but if this guy’s reaction to Taco Bell food is anything like my reaction to Taco Bell food, they should probably have started their search at the nearest porta-potty.

This month in 3rd grade humor, courtesy of Beau: Hey dad, how do you spell ICUP?? Yep, I fell for it…

And finally, I’m sure most of you have already heard that Mr. Peanut has died at the age of 104. While I don’t pretend to understand the reasoning behind Planter’s decision to kill off their iconic mascot, I’m at least hopeful that they were courteous enough to freeze dry his nuts.

Until Next Time…don’t forget to caucus on February 3rd, don’t forget that special someone on February 14th, and don’t forget that you get an extra day this month to pretty much do nothing as we patiently wait for winter to end. I think July 32nd would have made a lot more sense.


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