Jay to the World February 2019

Well, by the time most of you read this, you will probably know the outcome of the Chiefs/Saints Super Bowl matchup this weekend. Yeah, I know, it’s the Patriots (yawn) vs the Rams (yawn), but we all know who should really be playing. Yes, there were probably 10 things that happened in the Chiefs/Patriots game where if even one of those things happens differently, including just winning the coin toss, you’re probably going to the Super Bowl. Yes, we can all point to the offsides penalty that nullified the pass interception that most likely would have sealed the game, but there were several other calls that could have gone either way that absolutely affected the outcome of the game. Like I’ve said in the past, you couldn’t pay me enough to be a NFL referee. However, while I was watching the game I did Google how much NFL refs make and it’s roughly $200k/year, so they are compensated quite nicely to deal with all of the pressure. So how many of you thought the ball touched the fingers of the Patriot’s player on that punt return?? Much like today’s politics, we are pretty much programmed to see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. To Chiefs fans (including me) he absolutely touched it. The beauty of the whole situation is that only one guy knows for sure and he says he didn’t touch it. I’m good with that because in today’s world, I can’t imagine anyone we look up to telling us a lie…

So last month I mentioned that everyone over the age of 50 needs to get a colonoscopy, and the reason I mentioned that is I was roughly 3 days away from having my 4th procedure over the last 20 years. And since we’re all one big, happy family here, I wanted to pass on a couple things I learned this time on the prep side of things that will make your next (or first) procedure much more tolerable. For those of you who’ve already undergone a colonoscopy, you probably had to drink the gallon of liquid that is “flavored” to taste like Kool-Aid but in reality tastes more like raw sewage going down and doesn’t taste much better coming back up. Well this time, after a little research, I requested the Gatorade prep method (64 ounces of Gatorade mixed with Miralax, and 4 Dulcolax tablets) and I will never fear another colonoscopy in my life. I opted for G2 in the Cherry Frost flavor (you can’t drink anything red but this particular flavor is clear) and it was literally like drinking cherry Kool-Aid. I took the tablets at noon the day before, drank 32 ounces of G2 at 4:00 p.m. that same day, and then drank the other 32 ounces 6 hours before the procedure. That was it! I never felt bloated, I never felt sick to my stomach, and except for being extremely hungry, I felt great headed to the procedure and felt great after it was over. So what are you waiting for?? Call your doctor and let me know how it goes. Oh yeah, one last piece of advice…get some baby wipes. You’ll thank me later.

This month’s deep thought (courtesy of The Onion): It’s been reported that getting out of bed in the morning sharply increases the risk of things getting even worse.

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome two new additions to our staff at Malvern Bank. As you may have seen on our Facebook page or in the Malvern Leader, Tina Bakehouse recently joined us to spearhead our marketing efforts as we continue to expand our reach towards the Omaha area. For any of you who have never met Tina, she is a human shot of adrenaline who has never met a stranger in her life. We have also hired Cindy Bowley (yes, that Cindy who worked at Classic Café for years) as our receptionist. I like to think that I know a lot of people, but Cindy knows pretty much everyone and we couldn’t be happier to have her working for us. And no, her baking skills had nothing to do with her hiring. Really. I wouldn’t lie….

For some reason I’ve been in a little bit of a sappy mood lately, so I wanted to share some insight from an article I read recently titled “The Four Ways to Live Life with No Regrets”. It was based on a book written by a hospice nurse who interviewed patients at the end of their lives, asking them if they had any regrets. Here were their answers:

1. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. The main takeaways from this paragraph was to simplify your life and live below your means so you don’t feel the need to work so hard. This is so true…some of the happiest people I know live very modest lives and don’t get caught up in the “keeping up with the Jones” mentality. By the way, does anyone else but me feel sorry for the Jones family?? Why isn’t anyone trying to keep up with the Smiths??
2. Not having the courage to express their feelings. We are ALL guilty of this one. Not enough hugs. Not enough kisses. Not saying “I love you” enough. Why is this so hard for us?? My theory, at least from a man’s perspective, is that it makes us look vulnerable and we’re not supposed to be vulnerable. Now if you’ll remember, a couple months ago I told you that January 21st was National Hug Day and I asked you to go hug a squirrel. So being that we’re an entire year away from that celebration, how about we use Valentine’s Day (yes gentleman, this is your friendly reminder) as our inspiration to tell 3 people (your dog doesn’t count) that we love them. With all of this talk about “Toxic Masculinity” going around, this will be a good way for you manly men out there to get in touch with your sensitive side.
3. Not Staying in Touch with their Friends. Again, we’re all guilty of this. Marriage, kids, jobs, life…it’s hard to stay connected.
4. Not having the courage to live a life true to themselves. The basic premise of this regret is that most people end up doing less than half of the things they really wanted to do, and by the time they decide to finally go for it, they’re too old to actually do it. I’m extremely guilty of this and once I get over my fear of flying, I’m going to start making things happen.

A recent study indicates that sleeping in the same bed with your spouse can actually be unhealthy for you. I can already hear the First Lady now…”Uh Donald, I know we both agree that all of those climate change studies are hogwash, but this sleeping in separate beds thing makes a ton of sense”….

And finally, in honor of Valentine’s Day I’d like to share a story: About a month ago I took my first Uber (and came to realize that it’s just glorified hitchhiking), and it reminded me of when my dad used to hitchhike home from somewhere in Kansas to see his girlfriend in Lincoln. I don’t think this was a one-time thing either – the way he told the story it happened on several occasions. So to all of you guys out there, when you think you’ve done everything you possibly can to make Valentine’s Day terrific for that special someone in your life, just picture Big Al out there on some lonely Kansas highway, cigarette in one hand and thumb extended on the other, just trying to get to Lincoln to see some woman who thankfully never became my mother.

Until Next Time….
Jay