Jay to the World August 2020

How about we start off with some good news for a change?? In all of the chaos over the past several months it has been easy to forget that just one year ago Mills and Fremont Counties were in the midst of the worst natural disaster this area has ever seen. And while so many people are still trying to recover, both emotionally and financially, it sure is nice to see that Agri-Vision and Lincoln Farm and Home (BP gas station) are back up and running out at the I-29/Highway 34 corridor. I know it’s hard to find the positives in today’s world, but seeing those two businesses back in their pre-flood locations should serve as a reminder of the resiliency of our great county and should also serve as inspiration for those who are still fighting to recover.

After Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace recently questioned President Trump’s assertions that COVID-19 was under control and would simply disappear at some point, the president replied “I will be right eventually”. And in a related story, I just found the inspiration for my very first tattoo.

So a funny story…Some of my Malvern readers might remember that 11 years ago I recorded a music CD. Nothing ground-breaking…just sitting down at a piano and hitting the record button. If it sounded good, I kept it. If not, I deleted it. Anyway, after 3 long years (I play by ear so there were A LOT of deletes) I finally had enough material for a CD. I remember that the minimum order of CD’s was 1,000 copies, so I ordered those, but I had completely forgotten that I had also signed up with a website that handled the digital distribution of the CD. And apparently I had signed some document to where every time my total sales would hit $100, I’d get a royalty check from that website. So fast forward ELEVEN years…I just got my first royalty check! Yep, the total income derived from my 3 years of mind-numbing frustration has averaged out to roughly $9/year. We’re not even going to go into how much it cost to master the CD and purchase the 1,000 individual CD’s…let’s just focus on the fact that my goal all along was to donate all proceeds to a great cause, so I’ll be writing a $100 check to the Tanner Foss Project (www.tannerfossproject.com), a terrific local non-profit that spreads the joy of music and the arts to area youth. So for any of you who want to enjoy a little bedtime music and help a great cause, you can purchase the digital version on iTunes (just search my name)…or you can call the bank and purchase an actual CD for $5 so I can get them out of my basement.

A recent survey indicated that when it comes to online dating sites, women are less attracted to men who include a cat in their online picture profile. But on the flip side, the women added that a guy becomes exponentially better looking if the picture includes a Ferrari in front of a lake house.

I recently read that 9 out of 10 people suffer from ‘Phantom Vibration Syndrome’, an affliction where you mistakenly think your phone is vibrating in your pocket. In a related study, 1 out of 10 people are really wishing they had learned how to put their phones on vibrate.

Two friends in Wisconsin recently split a $22 million lottery jackpot because, according to one of the friends, ‘a handshake is a handshake’. “Man, I wish you’d quit giving people ideas”, said Dr. Fauci. President Trump recently stated that he’s coming around to wearing a mask because it makes him look like the Lone Ranger. And let’s face it…he already has the spurs.

As you know, Malvern Bank (and our subsidiary Dirt Track Bank) are highly involved in the world of dirt track racing, and from time to time I like to offer our customers the opportunity to check out this awesome sport. Right now there are 3 nights left of super late model racing at I-80 speedway (August 7th, August 21st, and September 6th). If anybody out there in JTTW-land would like to see what all of the fuss is about, email me at jburdic@malvern.bank and I’ll get you hooked up with some tickets. Full disclosure: I race in the super late model class and during one of my recent performances my son turned to my wife and said “they should let dad cut through the infield”. It’s the fans that make it worth it.

And now your first-ever JTTW Pick-A-Punchline: Here’s how it works…I’ll give you the set-up and you decide which punchline works best. Here you go: The United States recently announced that it is pulling out of the World Health Organization, prompting the New York Times to run the headline ‘Nation Prepares to Withdraw from WHO’. After seeing the headline, President Trump responded:

1)Man, the suspense is killing me…
2)Typical fake news…even I know it’s WHOM…
3)Anybody know where Melania got that ladder??

Beau’s Question of the Month: If two mind-readers are reading each other’s minds, whose minds are they reading??

A man in Florida was arrested after authorities figured out that he used the proceeds from his PPP stimulus loan to purchase a Lamborghini. Something tells me he’s going to be doing a lot of PPP’ing in the old grey bar hotel if you know what I’m saying…

President Trump recently backed up his claim of being a ‘stable genius’ by acing a cognitive examination at age 73. All I can say is wow, because if my parents had taken a cognitive test at age 73, the first 20 minutes would have been spent arguing whether it needed to be in pen or pencil.

And finally, the town of Tenino, Washington, in an effort to help local residents and local businesses get through the trying economic times, has issued currency made of wood to be spent at local businesses. This led to some confusion at a local meat counter recently when a customer asked the butcher: “How much wood would good chuck cost if good chuck would cost wood??”.

Until Next Time…if anyone is hoarding coins out there, we’d be happy to cash them in for you (it’s not a coin shortage, it’s a coin circulation problem). Otherwise, be safe, stay healthy, and enjoy the next 3 months of campaign ads!!

Jay