Jay to the World August 2019
So I did something the other day that I haven’t done in a really long time, and when I say a really long time, I mean ever. I stopped at a convenience store to get a drink and when I got into my truck I noticed I needed a little gas, so I headed on over to the pumps. Now for those of you who are paying attention, the first mistake in this little story was that I went completely against the convenience store business model, which is ‘sucker buys gas, then sucker buys food’. I went against the grain and purchased the food first, and THEN went to buy gas. So right out of the gate my rhythm was off. Anyway, if you’re like me, you always take the opportunity to empty all of the trash from your vehicle when filling up at one of these places because, dang it, if they’re going to take advantage of our inability as humans to purchase gas and say no to a 32 ounce Mountain Dew slushie (awesome by the way), then they are going to at least take our trash. So the point of this whole story?? I threw away the new drink I had just purchased!! Without even taking a sip!! Apparently the coldness of the cup and the fullness of the cup wasn’t enough to trigger something in my brain that said ‘hey, you need to keep this because you just bought it’. So the moral to this little episode is simple: GAS FIRST, DRINK SECOND. As always, you’re welcome.
Studies show that the time we spend on our smartphones is interfering with our sleep, self-esteem, relationships, memory, attention spans, creativity and productivity, not to mention our problem-solving and decision-making skills. I’m not really sure I buy into all of this. Just last week I was
Uber has begun testing a new food delivery program that will deliver McDonald’s meals to people via drone. When informed of this, President Trump immediately abolished the ‘no-fly zone’ over the White House.
Just months after proposing legislation that would ban the sale of cigarettes to anyone under the age of 100, Hawaii has legalized the sale of marijuana. So mom if you’re reading this, and I’m pretty sure you are because I hand-deliver it every month, it looks like you won’t be able to purchase any cigarettes on our trip to Hawaii next year (oh, relax, we’re not really going to Hawaii - I can’t even get you to travel 3 blocks to JCPenney’s for crying out loud. I just need the premise of us going to Hawaii to make the joke funnier). Where was I again?? Oh yeah, so while you won’t be able to purchase cigarettes, you might want to bring your Taco Bell gift certificates if you know what I’m saying…
During a routine traffic stop in Oklahoma; police found a gun, some whiskey, a rattlesnake, and Uranium. It’s the first time these four things have been found in the same location since season 4 of ‘MacGyver’.
Did you see that Burger King is now selling tacos?? I haven’t been this excited since, well, season 4 of ‘MacGyver’.
My Steven Wright Joke of the Month: Can you imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears??
The Mills County Fair livestock auction was held a couple weeks ago and under the watchful eye of our own Gary Smith, the bank purchased 4 cows. I bring this up because I just read about a farm in upstate New York where, for $75/hour, you can cuddle with two cows named Bonnie and Bella. Now I’m not a cow, but I have to assume if the auction cows had known about this other option, they probably would have unanimously voted to bypass the auction and head to the cuddle farm in New York. Just my opinion, but I truly feel that today’s cows aren’t being informed of all their options. I’ll get off my soapbox now.
There is an App called FaceApp that will show you what you’re going to look like when you get older. I don’t know, do we really need, or want, to know this?? I would rather have an App that tells me what I’m going to FEEL like when I get older because the matrix of how much sleep I’m getting and how much time I spend in the bathroom is close to becoming inverted. Or how about an App for people over the age of 50 that allows us to speak any sentence beginning with the words ‘How’, ‘But’, or ‘Why’ directly into our phones and it will translate into a sentence that won’t offend anyone?? They could call it the “You’reStartingToSoundLikeYourFather” App….
A 6-foot tall Sumatran flower nicknamed “The Amazing Stinko” recently bloomed at Lauritzen Gardens in Omaha, emitting smells similar to rotting fruit and rotting fish. Anyone reading this who was not able to take a whiff of this very rare event in person is welcome to swing by the Burdic house anytime and take a gander inside our refrigerator.
A Wichita Falls TX woman was arrested at a local Wal-Mart after eating half a cake while shopping and then demanding that she get the cake for half price. The person I feel the most sorry for?? The policeman who had to search for the evidence…
Three runners were gored last month during the annual running of the bulls in Pamplona. In a related story, my son just got his clothes dirty after playing in a mud puddle. What did they expect was going to happen!!! They are being chased by animals with spears coming out of their heads!! Good grief…
A couple in Montana recently tied the knot at the ripe old ages of 100 and 102, respectively. It was a beautiful ceremony that was highlighted by the ceremonial exchange of dentures.
And finally, I read last month that a warehouse in Kentucky caught fire and destroyed 45,000 barrels of Jim Beam Whiskey. This was the worst thing to happen to Jim Beam since the deaths of every person I’ve ever been related to….
Until Next Time….