Jay to the World: April 2018

Boy, the last two weeks have been an absolute roller coaster of emotions. On March 21st I was fortunate enough to cross off my number one bucket list item as I flew to Georgia and played Augusta National, home of The Masters (more on this later). Then one week later I was lucky enough to get a couple tickets to the NCAA games in Omaha, where I witnessed probably the greatest game I’ve ever watched in person as Kansas beat Duke in overtime. Unfortunately, sandwiched between those two amazing experiences was the news that the Sharp family from Creston had died on vacation in Mexico. While I wasn’t a close friend of Kevin Sharp, we had spoken several times over the past few years about dirt track racing and more specifically the race track in Corning. Kevin was a terrific businessman, a great father and husband, and a very accomplished race car driver. It is tragic events like this that should make all of us realize how lucky we are and how important our friends and families are in our lives.

I was eavesdropping on my kids a couple weeks ago (yes, I’m THAT parent) and they were playing a game on the computer that involved robbing a bank. Now for those of you who aren’t paying close attention, I work in a bank. This would be the equivalent of Tom Mulholland’s daughter playing a game where you rob a grocery store with a meat cleaver (for those of you not from Malvern, Tom is our world-famous meat cutter and owner of Mulholland Grocery). When I asked my children if they thought this was ok, the basic response was “geez dad, it’s just a game”. Game or no game, I have to agree with President Trump (I know, I’m as shocked as you are) that today’s TV shows and video games have gotten completely out of hand in the violence category. Just to drive this point home, do you have any idea which TV show was rated to be the most violent in 1977?? None other than Starsky and Hutch. Anybody remember that show for being too violent?? I just remember it for the red Ford Torino with the cool stripe down the side. Oh, what I would give to go back to those simpler times.

Beau’s question of the month (part 1): What happens if there is a tornado warning and your basement is on fire?? Beau’s question of the month (part 2): Which is worse, playing outside in a coat when it’s 106 degrees, or playing outside when it’s 32 degrees in just shorts and a t-shirt??

Just in case anyone saw me driving erratically around town last week, don’t be alarmed…I had a gallon of ice cream in the bed of my pickup that had slid all the way to the opposite end and I was just trying to get it back to the tailgate end without having to unroll the cover. Yes, I’m just that lazy.

I was extremely disappointed to see that the Omaha World-Herald fired Brad Dixon of Breaking Brad fame. I would always read several of his zingers before writing this newsletter just to get in the proper frame of mind. So if you’ve noticed me being less sarcastic than usual, you have nobody to blame but the suits at the World-Herald. I promise I’ll spend more time next month reading his Twitter feed.

A family in Colorado recently purchased a box of cereal that had an expiration date of February 22, 1997. I tried for 3 days to come up with a punchline for this that didn’t involve one of my dad’s organs. I’m sure he’s smiling down right now in appreciation of the effort….

If you’ve ever really wanted to know the difference between the baby boomer generation and the millennial generation… I was having lunch at Classic Café last week with my good friend Ed Mulholland and his son Evan from Las Vegas when Evan decided he wanted some waffle fries with his meal. What did he call them?? Hashtag fries.
I’m sure somebody has noted this before, but isn’t it ironic that we live in a country where everyone is fighting over the right to bear arms and there are countries in this world where women literally don’t have the right to bare their arms?? Crazy world….

I recently watched a show on AXS TV that ranked the top 10 songs named after a woman. I had three songs immediately jump into my head (Beth by Kiss, My Sharona by The Knack, and Shannon by Henry Gross) and none of them made the list. Here it is:
1. Sweet Caroline (Neil Diamond)
2. Billie Jean (Michael Jackson)
3. Eleanor Rigby (Beatles)
4. Angie (Rolling Stones)
5. Rhiannon (Fleetwood Mac)
6. Maggie May (Rod Stewart)
7. Oh Sherrie (Steve Perry)
8. Mary Jane’s Last Dance (Tom Petty)
9. Come on Eileen (Dexy’s Midnight Runners)
10. Roxanne (Police)

From the “Man, I wish I hadn’t used that joke several months ago” category: A woman in Florida was recently arrested for DUI while riding a horse. If ever a situation called for the “a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks ‘why the long face’” joke, this would be it.

Like I mentioned earlier, I recently had the incredible honor of playing Augusta National in Georgia. While washing my hands in the men’s room before my round, a gentleman walked up to the sink next to me and indicated that he probably needed to purchase some warmer clothes since it was only 45 degrees and windy. I obviously agreed. It was Dan Marino.

And finally, there are 157 new emojis coming out this year, including a roll of toilet paper, a broom, goggles, and a fire extinguisher. Or as I like to call them, bathroom essentials.

Until Next Time…..

Jay